it will be a long post, but please stay with me and help if you can. I will appreciate anything. Oh... anxiety hit me so hard and I have to tell you my story. So basically I'm fat and that keeps me up all night every night .. I was a lean and fit kid, always sportish and active, I was iso fit that even my doctor said I should gain more weight . Than I got into an accident which damaged not only my physical appearance, but also my mental health. Everyone around me started to care so much and feed me unreasonable amounts of food,because I needed to recover from my accident. And it all started. I got into school and I felt different. A little bigger than everyone else. A little fatter. But my family sad that different is good,different is beautiful. And I believed it. I kept saying this to me than people started to notice and make fun of it. Years went by, some people were marking fun, some were making rude comments,but I stayed with my opinion. Being bullied because of my weight was normal. Even than I was sad someone always would made a comment- wait for puberty and teenage years. You will loose all unwanted weight. And I waited and waited and waited... I got into my teenage years and nothing changed. I still was fat and even got fatter. In fact- I was obese. I cried to sleep, and vomited all food I ate,just to be accepted by the beauty standards. But all "beauty is not about the size" and "difference is beautiful " movements started and I thought that maybe it is good to be different. To be unique. Someone is very fit, someone has to be obese. I was obsessed with all the body positivity and not the good one, I thought I was promoting self-love and care,but I saw the only thing- obesity is normal . I finally felt good into my skin and accepted by the society. I got my first boyfriend then I was 16teen. I thought he really loved and adored me. He was a photographer, he did some photo shoots with me, he said that I was his inspiration and I felt like I really was. I was finally beautiful, like everyone else. But he also edited me in every photo. He made me skinnier than I was. But in my mind, not only skinnier, but prettier. Skinny and pretty,like all the other girls. However, things did not worked out and I ended up with my broken heart and his words "not pretty enough. You are too fat." Sport , diets, trying to fit into society's standards- it was all my goals. But after this period of time, I still came back to old habits and stopped going to the gym and looking after what I eat. And here I am now. Not only obese physically, but also mentally. I want to loose weight and start healthy living, but I simply can't. I feel so unmotivated to do it and so impatient to see the results. I feel damaged and unstable.