........................................................................ .......................................................................... I was sexually assaulted 5 years ago, and I still think it's my fault. I was bullied a lot in middle school, and to no surprise, the boy I had a crush on made my life a living hell when I wrote a note to him that I liked him. I had long since forgotten about it by my junior year of high school and since he had moved back with his mom in another country after being busted for selling drugs, I never thought about him. Well, junior year came and suddenly there he was again. He was suddenly in my friend group and actually talking to me. I still crushed on him a little, thought he was pretty badass with his tattoos and background. I was pretty stupid. I was in a 2 year relationship by that point to a boy who loved me unconditionally but in the end I treated worse than dirt; I had it in my mind I was going to get my crush finally. During this period I had picked up the habit of doing drugs. Mainly weed, and if we went to raves, which was a weekly thing, harder hallucinogenics. There was a big event coming up that weekend and I invited him to go with me. It was an outdoor venue where people set up tents where ever they could and I had offered to share a tent with him. You all can probably see my intentions now. Cheating with some hardass wanna-be and no morals or education, over my loving boyfriend at home; who knew all of this was happening and just swept it under the rug. Fast forward into the night and I hated myself. I was having a bad trip because of how guilty I felt about my boyfriend, which was less than what I should have gotten. But, I guess karma has a funny way of keeping tally. We had set up our tent next to a stage and the music constantly blared. Every beat, every drop, I was in pain. I was trying to sleep with the worst headache to this day and there was no way to. In comes stumbling my crush, higher than the international space station. We had taken a variety of narcotics and he was looking for money to get more. He kept trying to roll me over and saying "come on, come on" over and over again. At this point he just wanted my money and to go party with him. I pushed him away, getting increasingly more pissed. A few hours later he came back, even more high and someone had given him a bottle of whiskey. I was drugged out of my mind, sick feeling, and frozen; I kept going in and out of sleep but he wouldn't let me. And at this point I could tell it wasn't just my presence he wanted. He started grabbing at my clothes and hair, spilling whiskey all over me. "Come on, come on" over and over and over again. I kept pushing away but eventually he stepped over me, rolled me onto my back, and straddled me. At this point I had a few thoughts running through my mind and letting him just do it was the main one. The other was how stupid I was for letting it get to this position, and the last was it was all my fault. But, as soon as he started to get his pants unzipped and got his hands off my shoulders I sat up and punched him in the face. Hard. He yelled "you bitch, what the fuck" as I tripped out of the tent and the group of girls next door let me stay with them. The next morning was horrible. His mom was my ride home and it was the most awkward drive of my life. We both looked like hell, he had blood all over him from his nose and lip, and I was covered in dirt and whiskey. I've never told a single person my story, mainly because I feel like I deserved it for cheating, and nothing really happened. I've brought it up to a few girls that ever mention his name "no, trust me he's a prick, I had to break his nose just to get him to leave me alone". I never told my boyfriend who so lovingly took me back in the next day and who would never see me cry for months when he would get drunk and I didn't want to have sex, but I felt like I owed him. And I've never told my husband now because I feel like all he'll get out of it was "well, this is why you don't do drugs". Thanks for anyone who actually made it through this, I didn't mean to make it this long.