We've been TTC for 5 years, several years ago I had a chemical miscarriage but it was so early on (only positive tests then fading to negative). Ive been diagnosed with PCOS, hormonal imbalances, and an arcuate uterus (uterus deformity). After finally getting good doctors and being referred to a reproductive endocrinologist I found out I don't ovulate naturally. So in October we did our first <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">fertility treatment</a>. I've been on metformin for years and this cycle they added letrozole (similar to clomid but better success rates for PCOS). October was an emotional roller coaster. Even after letrozole my period was lasting too long (thanks to irregular cycles/PCOS) and my follicles weren't maturing, so they cancelled my <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a> and said I could come back for an ultrasound in five days but it was unlikely that letrozole worked for me and we would have to talk about other options. Well in those five days between appointments I ate pineapple, drank 100% pomegranate juice, and took a baby aspirin daily like there was no tomorrow. Went back in five days and the ultrasound tech was amazed at the difference! My uterus lining had tripled and my follicles had doubled. They had me administer and take a trigger shot (which was impossible to get in my area, had to make 60 phone calls to pharmacies and ended up getting a place two states away to overnight it.) And I had an <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a> at 38 hours post trigger.

The artificial hormones from the trigger shot confused me. I didn't know what to trust, but at 14DPO I got my first faint line and then a BFP soon after! We were so ecstatic!! And I was immediately nervous. We tried to get progesterone supplements but I could not get them where I live, no pharmacy compounds them around here. So since it was stressing me out my RE doc told me not to worry about it. I had a beta done my first numbers were 370HCG/27progesterone my second numbers 720HCG/22 progesterone. Notice how my progesterone dropped by five. I worried about that but they said the numbers are good and progesterone will change throughout pregnancy and as long as it's higher than 10 were good. My RE specialist is four hours away where I live so I did all the bloodwork and appointments at my local obgyn. As soon as my pregnancy was confirmed I begged for an ultrasound. I told her I have a uterus deformity and I just want to make sure it didn't implant on the spectrum, I was 5 weeks and she said it would be too early to see anything on an ultrasound. I even had to beg her to get a second round of beta bloodwork. After telling her all my issues and my fears that I'm a high risk pregnancy she literally said "Yeah we don't really run a lot of tests around here, we're just going to assume that this is a healthy pregnancy." 😳 I didnt like the word "assume" because nothing has worked out for me before. Theres ALWAYS something wrong. I hate to sound melodramatic but literally nothing goes right for me. But I left happy that my numbers, although didnt "exactly " double they still increased by the 30-50% they aim for. For weeks I was nervous every time I wiped, so scared I would see blood. I didn't have morning sickness or extreme symptoms. Just tired, sore nipples, and I would wake up at 4 am every morning hungry. Well I noticed around 5weeks that my symptoms started to fade. I didn't "feel" pregnant. But I pushed that away because I was only five weeks and maybe I shouldn't feel very pregnant anyways. But then I suddenly started not waking up at 4AM starving, instead I was sleeping in late like pre pregnancy. Again, I pushed that out of my mind. I tried to be happy, we were finally pregnant! We had our first ultrasound scheduled-it would be in two weeks❤️. One of my best friends who has been my rock during my TTC process got pregnant also! We encouraged each other to get our IUIs done and we ended up pregnant the same week! After years of trying together. To make it even more perfect, our baby's due date was July 15th which will be my husbands and my 2nd anniversary. We planned to announce at Christmas, I would be about 12 weeks. Everything was lining up so perfectly! Due date on our wedding anniversary? Christmas announcements?How perfect. I let loose one day and started to enjoy my pregnancy and imagine having a healthy baby. Maybe everything would work out for me this time. I was about 5 weeks and 3days and while in town we bought some baby outfits. While at work I was day dreaming about the baby nursery. We already had several baby outfits from our trying to conceive journey so we hung them up in the spare bedroom closet, what would soon become a nursery. Literally that night, after that perfect day of happiness i wiped and there was pink blood. I broke down. I KNEW what was happening. I read pages of women bleeding during pregnancy but I knew that wasn't the case for me. It was 10PM on a Sunday night and I woke my husband up in tears. He was optimistic, always optimistic (maybe a little too much) and calmed me down until I fell asleep. I called my obgyn Monday morning trying to get in because of a miscarriage. My doctor was out and so was my nurse practitioner! So I called all the obgyns in the area just trying to get seen by someone. No one would see me. They all just told me to go to the ER. The ER is horrible around her. I refused to go pay a $100 copay to wait in a room for hours just for someone to tell me what I already knew and to charge me a $2000 bill and tell me to follow up with my obgyn anyways. So we stayed home. My husband called in and we grieved. We watched movies and cuddled. We decided to pack up the baby clothes that day and while packing up the baby books we got after each fertility appointment, my husband broke down and cried. I asked him if he wanted to read the baby a book, while it was still in me. He shook his head yes and in between cries read the most beautiful book to our baby. It would be the first and last time he would read this baby (Baby Flutter) and that bittersweet memory will be forever burned in my mind. But we didn't want the baby just to know grief. So we celebrated too. We went out for milkshakes but instead of ordering two we ordered three. I made myself sick by trying to drink an extra milkshake for the baby. We were so hurt, we felt so helpless. I was having a miscarriage and no one would see me for 36 hours. When it was confirmed it felt so cold. They came in and told me it wasn't progressing and that it wasnt a viable pregnancy and walked out. I felt so numb. They left the door open and we gathered our things and left. I tried to make an appointment like I was told for the following week and the receptionist was giving me a hard time about trying to get an appointment next week. Finally I told her I was having a miscarriage. It was hard saying it out loud, and I should've never had to in the first place. The waiting room was full of happy pregnant women with beautiful bumps. I just wanted to collapse. It took a week for my miscarriage to actually occur and the pain was so bad. The cramps were unbearable. I called for pain medicine and they told me to take a Tylenol. The following week I went from sadness, to what I thought was coping, to depression, to a new found emotion as of yesterday, anger. I'm angry. I felt like somehow i could've found that progesterone. I'm angry at the lack of care and concern from my doctors. I'm angry that EVERYTHING was so perfect to where I was stupid enough to think it was a miracle and somehow everything is going to work out. I'm angry that October was our hardest month but we were rewarded and it was stolen from us. I feel robbed. I feel angry because even through my miscarriage my baby was SO strong, my HCG even claimed 59 while having a miscarriage. It was trying so hard and I couldn't help it. I'm angry that I felt so cold to it during my early weeks. I was trying not to become attached incase a miscarriage happened that I'm afraid that because of my lack of affection that my body treated it like a virus. I'm angry that I don't naturally ovulate so in order to even get pregnant again I'll have to go through all that pain again from fertility assistance. I'm just so angry.

So I ask you ladies who have been through this, how do you find the strength to do everything over again. How do you fall in love with a new pregnancy and a new due date when I've already fell in love with July 15th,2018? How do you find the strength to fight for something that you already had but it got taken away from you. How do you not feel numb? How do you not feel scared? How do you fight when you know, in the back of your mind, that the same thing can happen all over again.

P.s. Any tips on reoccurring miscarriages would be appreciated.