Well, for the last two weeks I’d felt something was wrong. Something felt different. My symptoms went away. My skin started clearing up. It was just weird. Then last Thursday I started getting some town discharge. I kind of just thought it was everything growing and pushing out since I thought I was 10 weeks. Then Sunday I had red bleeding and some cramping. So I went to the er. There they confirmed what I’d known to be true in the back of my mind for the last week and a half. Our baby had stopped growing two weeks ago and there was no cardiac activity. The doctor came in and my heart dropped. I already knew what she was going to say to me. I went to the er alone because our 18 month old was asleep at home so my husband stayed with her. I stayed pretty strong until I got home but then just lost it.

Yesterday was probably one of the worst days of my life. My doctor implanted a pill that would start this awful process. Within hours everything was over. I had to pull my little gummy bear and everything out of my body by myself. Yesterday sucked. And I’m heartbroken. So why can’t I feel anything? I feel like I have no emotions to what is going on right now. My fear is that tomorrow or in the coming days I will lose it.

Everything about the timing of this baby was perfect. Due date in mid June when I’m done teaching and on summer break. We were finally getting excited for baby #2. So is that way he/she was taken away so quickly? Because we weren’t ecstatic at first? Did I work out too much? Did drinking decaf coffee not help? I’m just so mad!