I feel like I need to write this all down, I’m struggling so so much at the moment now that we’re trying to conceive again. And just want to let it all out really. I’m 27 and my partner is 29. We live in the uk.

We found out we were pregnant in July, we got our first vvvfl on July the 14th, the morning of my dad’s funeral! We still weren’t convinced that I was pregnant and thought we were seeing things so left it at that. I didn’t drink that day just in case. We all said our very emotional goodbyes to my beautiful dad. We had not long said goodbye to his dad, my grandad in the January too so all was still raw from that, but comforted knowing he was once again reunited with his dad who was his best friend, and his mum my granny who we lost 3 years previous. I felt comforted that they were all up there looking after me and our unborn baby, I felt like somehow they were helping us. We would’ve conceived a few days after my dad passed away, it was our first month trying so never expected it would happen first time. Thank just made it feel even more like my dad was doing his for us, and spoke to them all everyday.

I went for my first scan at 12 weeks 3 days on September 11th. We were nervous and scared but so excited to see our little baby who we loved so very much already. She did an abdominal ultrasound and straight away all I could see was a black sac and a tiny tiny bit of white in one corner, I cried straight away knowing that’s not what I should be seeing this far along. She said you’ve got your dates wrong we’ll have to do an internal scan. I cried more and said i know 100% my dates are right. I cried more and and got undressed, laid back on the bed and waited. My partner squeezing my hand and kissing me comforted me but also made me cry even more. I knew what I should be seeing and it wasn’t there. He didn’t know why I was so upset. She said I can see it but you’re too early for me to focus properly, you’re about 7 weeks, but I knew I wasn’t. She carried on trying to focus and told us that she was struggling to find a heartbeat but that’s cos it’s small and at 7 weeks sometimes they can’t find the heartbeat anyway. It went on and we found a second, it was twins, I hoped so much that this one was ok and would have a heartbeat but nothing. She spent what seemed like forever trying to focus and get measurements and a heartbeat. I was sobbing and a total mess, but she needed me to be still so asked if could put my hand underneath my lower back and she knows it was hard because I was upset but could I try to stay still and hold my breath while she gets focussed on the babies. She managed a bit and confirmed no heartbeats were present. She went to find my ovaries and I spotted another, another little baby, my other little baby. It was triplets, again hoping and praying that maybe this one was going to be ok, but again nothing 😢 my partner still holding my hand the whole way through, he had a little cry and just supported me the whole way through telling me how well I was doing and how proud he is of me. Our little babies were identical triplets and they measured at 7.5 weeks and one at 9 weeks. I’d been carrying my beautiful little babies dead inside me for nearly 5 weeks. My heart broke even more than it already was. She sent us our while she contacted another hospital, she came and told us they wanted to see us there so they could confirm it as it’s such an unusual case. I wanted to call my Mum, I wanted to cuddle my mum but had to wait until we were given our letter for the other hospital. I text my boss straight away so she knew what was going on and she said how very sorry she was for us and don’t come in today, I’m a nanny so understood that this is not easy when I’m off.

We were sent off and I called my mum, I cried my eyes out and broke down into pieces. She cried with me and said she really hoped that they got it wrong. I deep down knew that they weren’t wrong but hoped too. I felt like the world had come tumbling down on us. My mum said she would let my siblings know, they all knew I was pregnant. It was all confirmed with a 3d vaginal scan and I broke down once again. I didn’t know how I was ever going to cope with this much pain all so close together. They said to me that because it was identical triplets that they would advise me to wait for a couple of weeks until having surgical management, because it can be much more dangerous with more tissue to remove. So I was sent home to wait for it to happen naturally, with strong painkillers in case, and signed off work for 2 weeks. I was now not only grieving for my grandad and dad but now my beautiful little angel triplets. I cried everyday for those two weeks, every time I went to the toilet scared of what I might see. But nothing. I tried acupuncture to bring it on and drink disgusting Chinese herbal tea until I was sick. But still nothing was moving along. We went for our next appointment and had booked in for the surgical management on the Saturday 23rd. I went in and they weren’t sure wether they would go ahead with it because of the risks involved. After crying and begging they agreed. I couldn’t wait any longer for something to possibly happen naturally, it was breaking me!! So I was taken to the ore surgery room and was terrified, shivering and cold. All I remember was them giving me anaesthetic in a little and putting the mask on my face. They said I would feel drowsy. I remember thinking I don’t even feel tired it’s not going to work, the next thing I knew I was being woken up in a different room surrounded by other beds. I cried again and asked for my partner and Mum who were waiting for me. I was in so much pain, and it made me realise that my babies were gone and it was all over. I felt a bit of relief but mostly felt so heartbroken that I wasn’t carrying them anymore. I couldn’t catch my breath properly through the pain, so they gave me morphine which kicked in almost instantly. About an hour later I got to see my partner and Mum and I just cried and cried.

I was broken mess for a while, and was so so happy when my period arrived 5 weeks later. Meaning we could try again. In what I think was my fertile week, the morning after first ttc I was bleeding. We tried another couple of times. At first thought maybe I’d torn, but it carried on, on and off heavy spotting for a week and a half. I was scared thinking that this was is out again for this month. I’m due on tomorrow but took a test on Tuesday that came out negative so I don’t think we’re pregnant this time. The bleeding last week and week before made me scared and so so stressed. I put so much pressure on it even though I was trying not to. I’m hoping that next month I can relax a bit and let my hair down with it, not put so much pressure on myself because I know that’s not healthy. I feel like I need help and support to stay calm.

Thank you so much for reading my story and so sorry it’s so long. I just needed to get it all out because it’s been building up for so long.