MY POEM ABOUT MY MISCARRIAGE. Dedicated to all the women trying and all the women who went home empty-handed.

I had a dream last night

A joyous dream

Of a child dancing through cherry blossoms

Her look was so keen

And she seemed to beam at me

A face that knew no sadness

A place where light was all around

That is where the child could be found

I swear every time I looked into her eyes it seemed that the sun itself streamed through

It radiated warmth and made my heart flutter

As I observed her, in my own childlike wonder

She seemed to shine

Her sweet face would look to mine

I began to chase her through the trees

Her laugh would float high above air

But I found soon

She was no longer there

I searched high and low

Where did she go?

I walked tightly along the edge of the path

Begging to hear her little laugh

My heart began to explode

My knees shook, as did my wrists

The pain and sorrow I felt

I wished the girl to exist

She came so swiftly

A surprise

That once

Gave me unease

But as I began to believe in the child

I realized it was going to all be worthwhile

But now she was gone

How quickly she came

I hung my head in shame

1 in 4, I fell through the floor

My mind filling with cracks of worry

Had I done this?

How could I do this?

Was there nothing I could do?

I felt as though I was drowning in a liquid

So thick and sticky

I couldn't move

I couldn't breathe

Pepto-Bismal pink

Not easy to swallow

I cried, I screamed, I wallowed

To long for the little girl that once had been there

Her smile, her laugh, the softness of her hair

So tangible it seemed

I had been deceived

Painkillers only helped my body

As the pain was in my mind

Curt nods and sympathetic faces

I felt hopeless and pathetic

They say you do not walk alone

But that's not how I felt as I laid at home

No one was there

I was sinking through the floor

I saw her, she was here

The fear enveloped me

Oh god, I couldn't breathe

A future, a dream

Shattered like glass

The whole world seemed to be on blast

I covered my ears

No voices to hear

I shook my head so hard I could hear a ringing through my fears

The room seemed to circle above me

Round

And

Around

I closed my eyes

Tried not to cry

As I drifted into a sleep that was more of a reprieve

Without the girl I felt desperate indeed

But I felt my body become less of my own

Numb and cold and alone

I felt my heart turn to stone

My eyes fluttered like the wings of butterflies

And when I woke up from this dream

I still felt the sting

The hollowness would always be there

As I saw the faces of children everywhere

I couldn't help but stare

To look into their eyes to find the child that had once been there

And the hollowness of my womb would forever leave a tomb in my heart

And a longing not to be apart

They say that healing takes time

My body needed a few weeks, but that's nothing compared to my mind

Forever will I cherish the moments we had

And the balloon that seemed to float me through the air

For me, that child will always be there