My husband and I are high school sweethearts and have been married for 3 years we have a 3 year old and a 1 year old, through our our married relationship we have been trying to have babies. Yes we have 2 and are wanting one more but the frustrating part is the miscarriages I’ve been having. We prefer our children close together but every time I fall pregnant I miscarry by the 5 week and it is very degrading and really takes a toll on you mentally. With my two children when I made it past the 10 week mark I knew I’d be safe because I’ve never made it that far before well in October I found out I was pregnant which was a surprise for us but of course a welcomed surprise. My pregnancy progressed, HCG raised like it should we saw a heartbeat at 5 and 9 weeks and just shortly after my 10 week mark I had spotting, brown spotting and was reassured brown is old and it shouldn’t be cause for concern well after a week had passed I insisted on an ultrasound and rhogam just to be safe I did my ultrasound at 11 weeks and it showed no heartbeat and baby measured 10 and 4. I was heartbroken. Being I’ve had 2 full term babies my belly was showing and I was falling in Love more every day. So I scheduled one more ultrasound before I proceeded with a D&C; and that was the next day. That ultrasound showed baby at 10 and 1 day so I knew I had lost my baby. So shortly after my ultrasound I was admitted for my D&C.; That’s where things took a turn for the worst. I knew I’d be going to sleep and waking up with out my baby, they took me back and preformed the D&C; and as I’m coming out of anesthesia I hear she lost a lot of blood and needs a transfusion! I can’t see I’m still not fully awake, I have a tube down my throat people poking me with needles left and right and excruciating belly pain. I’m finally able to open my eyes and from there on it was a nightmare. I had nurses and doctors huddled all around me, my BP was bottoming out my pulse was super high and that’s when they made the call to transport me to the nearest hospital. I arrive Via ambulance and immediately I’m in the CT machine and having more blood drawn and tests done. It took me a while to stabilize but once I did I barley could get out of bed to use the restroom. My husband had to carry me and I could hardly wipe. After being admitted to the hospital I received 2 units of blood and 7 and a half bags of fluid I left with 12 needle sticks and over 8 blown veins and no baby. I came home to things they way I left them. My maternity jeans in the dryer and ultrasound on the fridge and still no baby in my belly. I’m feeling super weak and all I can think about is what happened to make me lose my baby... everyone tells me I need to take a rest from trying but how can I when all I can think is what if the egg I let go unfertilized is the one that sticks. I want to keep trying and complete our family of five but each pregnancy or miscarriage gets more dangerous to the point that I lost more than half of my blood and all I can think about is completing our family.

I know I sound selfish and I am happy with what we have but I’m not ready to give up having babies I’m 23 and have many years ahead of me and really want a big family that I always wanted but never had. I wish with each pregnancy my body would quit trying to kill me. This is a sign I know but I’ve always wanted my children to have a big family and coming to the terms that may never happen is very painful. Sorry for the long rant. Thanks for reading and giving me a place to share my feelings.