My little man Boone Leland is 7.2 weeks old today, this was my second pregnancy, I lost his brother Rowan Parker at 17 weeks gestation due to incompetent cervix, so we didn’t have an easy pregnancy medically, but I felt amazing through out it, could have been the progesterone shots or the excitement that I made it one week longer as every week passed. Once Boone was born I couldn’t have been happier.

Now after losing Rowan, I had severe ppd and it took almost 8 months before I started to feel better and I refused to take an anti depressant that time, this time I began getting it again and it was horrible, I felt like I shouldn’t feel this way because I actually got to take my healthy baby home this time, but I kept getting severe anxiety because I kept thinking about the first pregnancy and tough decisions and the aftermath kept replaying in my head, and I look at Boone and feel so guilty that he would have had a brother if I just went to the doctor a few days sooner to get checked out.

I am now on an antidepressant which was the hardest decision I have ever made, and I am not sure why I was terrified of taking the pill, but I will say it has been helping and it’s been about 1.5 weeks now.. I was getting terrified of being alone with Boone not because of me harming him or anything like that, but because I felt like he didn’t like me because he was super colicky and nothing made him happy, I still fear that if he starts to cry a bit that it will turn into 24-48 hours straight of crying.

The reason I began to get depressed was because I felt like I lost my body, I no longer have my toned stomach, I have stretch marks, I can’t wear my belly button ring... all to be expected but I felt like I lost myself for some reason, I know I grew a human being and birthed him vaginally resulting in a mess downstairs and many many many stitches... my SO and I haven’t had sex since May, due to have the cervical cerclage placed and no sex was a restriction per my DR.

I need to remember that my life is forever changed and it will never be the same, but how have you ladies recently giving birth been able to come to terms or grew and only became stronger.. I always thought that I would embrace and rock this whole mommy thing, and that has not been the case... I’m sorry I know it’s a very long post and it’s scattered thoughts, I have a lot to say and feel a lot right now, but not able to pinpoint exactly what it is that I’m looking for, but I know when I read it from you ladies I can keep being reminded of the blessings that are right in front of me. I just need to learn how to embrace them.

My little crab 🦀 ass 😁.