Lately, I've been extremely depressed. I just think I'm a failure.

My BF yelled at me a month ago, for not having my license, (I know it's my fault, I pushed it off since I was 16, I'm 18 now) I had surgery in like August? I think on my eye for retinal detachment, it still effects my distance seeing and other small stuff (which is probably why I've been pushing it off I guess, I just get scared of doing something wrong), and in November I got my updated permit, and practiced more, I wanted to get my license this month, (which I still can if I push my parents to just let me take my test) (haven't drove in winter, but I'm decent on normal roads, I just need practice turning and parking. Think I can pass my test with that?) but I don't think I will get it.

I do have a very bright future, I want to be a robotics engineer. Then make a robotics company to help people.

My BF also wants me to get a job ASAP, I know he wants the best for me. But he makes me feel bad because I am picky on what I want my first job to be. One I get terrified talking to people face to face, two I want a technical job that will help me. It's not like I can't get a good technical job as my first, I can, I just don't know how to make a good resume, I have all the qualifications for the technical jobs I would be applying for, just don't know how to show them I'm worth them hiring me and I have the passion for fhe job.

Plus I have this fear of messing something up when working, although I won't, I just don't want people to be disappointed in me.

I haven't done much since I graduated. Just mostly slept and played video games. I from time to time repair stuff like macbooks and such I get from sales, and lately I've been getting back into my passions, slowly, like right now I'm learning swift, soon I'll learn whatever languages the raspberry pi has.

I just feel like, I should've had a job and license by now. And ever since my BF yelled at me for it just making me feel terrible and crying. I just feel like a failiure.

I always have the mindset of things happen for a reason, I don't have a license for a reason, and I don't have a job because college isn't out yet, so I won't get the job I need, like the one that will really help me with my life goals.

I'm happy when I'm learning code (which shows that my goals in life are right for me, because to me the mechanical parts of robotics are easy, the coding is hard, and since I enjoy coding even though it's hard, i enjoy it, I wouldn't if I wasn't truly passionate), but, when I'm not, I'm really depressed.

I don't want to kill myself, but lately I've been thinking, hoping, my heart would just stop, or I would get hit by a car, or someone were to kill me, just anything.

I used to be the happiest person, someone asked me once if I was on drugs because of how happy and "crazy" I was.

But now, I just feel like I'm a failure.