Hi all, just wanted to share my story . I haven't been logging for some time.

A couple of weeks ago I started to get faint lines on a hpt. This got darker as the days went on. I didn't believe what I was seeing so I visited my doctor who done two hcg blood tests to prove and confirm my pregnancy- it's only then I believed it and was over the moon! Our lives immediately changed from the knowledge of our soon arrival.

A few days later I noticed discharge , not of colour but not transparent or white like we would be used to. I also only get that before I start my af.

Then next day I noticed brown spotting and called my docs. I was told as normal as this is, pregnant women should always be over pre cautious. I explained my symptoms (which were not really of concern to them but as always they advise to go to the hospital even if it's nothing to worry about). I planned to visit the hospital on tues (tues just gone) and on that day my discharge became pinker , then redder. I was scared but knew with all my research and with others experiences that this was "normal". Some women even get a "period" every month for the whole duration of their pregnancy.

When I went to the hospital they conducted an internal scan, and being 8 weeks pregnant they were shocked to see nothing in my scan. I was then treated as an ectopic pregnant patient. But this wasn't confirmed. They later mentioned they did see "something" in my uterus but they was not sure what that was. They also did another round hcg blood tests. I was horrified to find out and be told that I lost my baby that I waited for ages for, that I prayed for and that I dreamed of. I am currently bleeding horrific lumpy dark blood which is my baby and it's home being flushed out of my system. I believe in God - in Allah . And I know that there is a plan for everyone. Maybe my baby is an angel now, what more could a parent want?

This would have been my first. As much as I cry and grieve, I know that everything happens a reason. Not only a reason , but also a good reason. Whilst being unknowingly pregnant I was and am going through some traumatic stress. Perhaps this was a toxic environment to bring my baby up in? I didn't provide the best home for it in my belly because I was always stressed.

Ladies, I am sharing my story not because I want you all to be scared at the smallest "issue". But to let you know that when we all are trying for a baby it is a selfless act. If you are facing problems in life then look after yourself. Not just for you. But because you are the home to your baby. My hcg blood levels now show that the embryo in my body now is deteriorating. When I found out I was pregnant the guilt I felt of allowing people to upset me or try to control me made it unbearable. The stress made a massive effect on my life , but little did I know on my baby too. Now, it could be for ANY reason God decided this baby and i will not be able to meet , I trust in God. So, let us not be down at any hurdle. Because if we will be good mammas then let's accept that there WILL be a lot of hurdles along the way. Our future babies are worth it tho no? As long as we protect them of course.

Ladies, put yourself first. Because that's putting your baby first. When you are ttc make your body the most welcoming environment. Don't even stress about ttc and baby dancing. That's stress too. Forget the world. Go on a spontaneous break, book a week off work to do nothing. It's Friday night where I am - go out and grab some popcorn and watch Netflix indoors! Live life and be happy. My dream for this baby of mine , whom I no longer carry , was to show that life is what you make it.

To my baby; I know you had a beating heart, a head but not yet a brain, arms and legs but no fingers or toes, but for the short time I had you, I loved you with everything I had and woke up every day with a smile on my face knowing that it's one day closer until the day we meet. But you're already in the best place. I'm sorry we didn't meet. I love you so so much and I dreamt of you for so long. Mummy's here and will never forget holding you for 8 weeks. We had the best time x