She got away with it...

I’ve wanted to let this out for a very long time. I just never had the courage too, I was scared of what people would think but I think that I’ve finally found the courage to ask for help.

I don’t want to say my name, where I’m from but I’ll say right now I’m 15 years old and there’s a memory that has been haunting me. A memory that just won’t go away and I think it will be stuck with me forever.

When I was 10 years old, my aunt moved from a different country to where I live right now and I’m in the UK. She is a single mother with a son who was 8 at the time. At first she had no where to stay so she stayed at our house. It was me, my older brother (13 at the time), my ma and my dad. My cousin shared the room with my brother but my aunt was with me. We were in the same bed as it was a double bed. I was going through puberty and she would’ve touched me down there and oh my gosh I’m starting to cry typing this. And you know, all other places too. She told me not to tell my ma and I still remember this to this day and it always pops up in my mind when she said “everyone has secrets”. It carried on, even when she moved house. My ma had a baby when I was 12 so I had to stay at hers. It happened and it got so much worse. I told her to stop that I didn’t like it and that I’m telling my ma and she said “I’ll tell her for you.”. The next morning she was on the phone speaking to her and I thought she was telling her. Little did she know she was telling her some bullshit about me apparently asking her about my private parts. Which is NOT a true. When my ma picked me up she was like “all that stuff is fine don’t worry”. A few weeks later I told her “how come in school they said she can’t do this?” She said what? Talk about growing up? When I told her what she meant she was so shocked. She called the police and told them. My aunt denied it. She called my ma telling her that I was a whore, I’m going to get pregnant young, I will fail GCSES, oh god, you name it, she said everything. I was 12!

The police did support me at first and interviewed me so much. Until it got to the point when they told me they had no evidence and that the case is closed. This shook me. I started to self harm, developed depression, I even had several suicide attempts. I still am depressed and I still want to commit suicide. I just hate those memories that just won’t fade away.

A month ago I saw her in the shops, she looked at me and grinned. She has a new husband, a newborn baby and is so happy. My ma told me to look away and I ran out and cried in stores. A stranger approached me, worried. I told them that I’m crying over nothing and it’s fine. It’s not fine. I can’t do this. She’s so happy after what she did to me. And I’m here and she’s ruining my life. God hates me. Karma does NOT exist. Because she got what she wanted and I didn’t. I’m over here planning suicide whilst she’s having a happy life. It’s not fair, I can’t believe she got away. Every day I have at least 1 flashback of what happened. Nobody cares. I just want to end it all I can’t live when these memories come and DONT go. I don’t know what I did to get this. I try to succeed in life, I try my best, and I don’t know why god has gave me this. I don’t know if it’s a punishment but I haven’t done anything. I hate myself. It has also made me have such low self esteem. I just look in the mirror and im like what is that? Nobody will ever want me, no wonder all this has happened. I just wish somebody understood me. Please help, I just give up.