I've been struggling with this so much lately, and it's so difficult to discuss with my husband. He always tells me I'm beautiful, and I understand that is how he sees me no matter what. He doesn't understand why I dislike my body so much right now because I was finally confident in my own skin, and my body finally did what we both wanted it to do: carry a baby. I tried to explain my feelings through uncontrollable pregnancy tears (because that's what I do now), and he just points out that I'm being illogical (which I know).

I have pcos and we tried for years before conceiving, miscarrying, and then finally getting help from a doctor. I endured the hell that is fertility meds for about 4 months before we were blessed with a sticky bean. I was and still am grateful that we are having this sweet baby, but this has been a rough pregnancy on my brain. Yes, morning sickness was rough, but my biggest challenge to date is the frustration I feel by being limited. I can't lift things. I can't be on my feet too much. I have no control over my body and what it does or how it looks. I have zero control over my emotions which drives me nuts because I A. Like to feel in control of myself and B. Like to be a logical adult. Because of this winning combination of "minor pregnancy issues" and the return of my serious body image problem, I feel like I'm regressing to my old self.

I feel that expressing this makes me seem ungrateful, but I swear that I am not. I am so so extremely happy to be having my sweet baby girl this April, and I love feeling her move around in my belly. I just wish I felt more like myself that this weird half-version of me. I want to be able to operate at 100% again without feeling like I'm dying in the process. I also miss looking in the mirror and liking what I saw.