any tips?

okai so. I am a sexual assault survivor. and I use to be HUGE into BDSM and kink. I was down for everything minus shit or vomit or anal haha but since my assault I can't really get back into it.. and I WANT TO I miss that part of me. I want to so desperately but whenever things get rough ( I use to be quite the masochistic) I freak out and start balling. idk what to do or how to stop. but I want that part of me back so bad. any ideas on how to get back to where I use to be?