I know some of you can be really harsh, so I’m prepared but I really just need someone to listen. WARNING: LONG POST!

My current SO and I have been together a little over two years now. Our relationship has never been perfect. There have been times where he’s been emotionally and verbally abusive to me. He’s slapped me before, etc. In April, during a blow out fight, he told me he’s been unfaithful. With his child’s mother. He has a child from a previous relation, she was 4 weeks pregnant on our first date. He didn’t find out until later in our relationship about the baby being his. He denied being unfaithful our whole relationship, to that point, but I do not believe that. And I know, I know “you’re stupid for staying. You should’ve ran..” etc etc. Trust me, some days I really regret it.

So we decided to try to work on our relationship. The next month after that, his daughter moved in with us and I fell pregnant VERY unexpectedly. We lost the same week we found out about the pregnancy. I was roughly six weeks. So he told me he was unfaithful, his daughter moved in, we had a baby and then lost the baby. AND THEN, his decent job unexpectedly closed its doors overnight. It was like one thing after the next. So I felt like I never really had time to really think and contemplate how rough this year was.

I do love him, but I don’t know if I’m in love anymore. We got into a blow up fight a month ago and I told him he was a loser and to get a job because I was doing it all at that point. He hadn’t worked for months and I was tired of being the only one working my ass off. I feel like I’ve been trying to convince myself that I am happy. He works now but it’s only a seasonal job and it ends Saturday. He keeps telling me he has another job lined up, so we’ll see.

But I don’t know. I’m just not happy.

My SO thinks I’m happy though. Or at least he doesn’t think I’m unhappy. So how do I bring it up? How do I bring up that this may not be what I want anymore? I caught him searching for rings recently. He really wants to move to Texas so his daughter can get to know his mom and he thinks it’d be better there. I don’t want to. At all. I want to pursue real estate and I have a degree in criminal justice and he’s always discouraging me from using it. For example, probation has always been an interest for me. He told me he didn’t want me to because I’d have to carry a gun and deal with suspicious people. But when I got my CJ degree, before I knew him, that was my “dream job.”

Weellllll then today, a guy from my past unexpectedly messaged me. We used to date in college, but he was from a different state so I didn’t get too involved, thinking I’d get hurt when he moved back and I stayed here. Well he’s recently single. He’s always the guy I’ve told my girlfriends that “I should’ve married.” We had such a connection and spark and I still think of him to this day. He’s successful, doing very well for himself. He told me he still thinks of me often and wishes he would’ve gave me an honest chance. Here’s the kicker, I have herpes. My first out break, six years ago, was when him and I were talking. I told him immediately when I got my results and he told me he did not care. He wanted to take care of me. He offered me to come over and just cuddle and he’d tend to me. But me, being stupid, said no because I felt so disgusting. But by him messaging me today, it makes me wonder what could’ve happened or what could’ve been. And the fact he still thinks about me makes me wonder.

I just don’t know what to do.