Missing him

I miss my dad. It been like almost a year that I miss my dad, he passed away on Feb 6th, 2017 and I never had a chance to meet him or tell him a goodbye. He left me when I was 2 1/2 years old after I became deaf. I usually think that he left because I was deaf, or my mom pushed him away from us. I honestly don't know what to ask my mom so I went to my grandma instead and ask her, she told me that my mom moved and never told my dad where we gone to. And I asked her if she know anything about my dad and she told me a story about him. When I found out that he passed away, I fucking had a meltdown, I skipped one day of school and stayed home and ate some ice cream and cried all day. Couldn't go to sleep. And I know that my mom was trying to be there for me. But I had gotten worse. My anxiety and my stress brought up and it been eating me out. And I got grounded because I kept lying to protect myself but instead I got caught and got grounded.