Me Too 😔

I’ve been looking for a platform to talk about this and I’m glad I’ve found this one. Just need to get this off my chest in a safe space. Here goes:

The ‘R’ word is one that is very heavy to swallow, especially when it feels like if you weren’t violently pinned to the ground, you’re misusing it. I sort of feel that way, I wasn’t thrown to the ground, shoved in a car or even silenced, but, I too was raped. It’s taken a while to admit this but realizing how much that night still haunts my mind and through reading multiple articles about the topic, I can finally admit to myself , #MeToo.

My story is no different from most of the stories I read online but here goes:

I met this guy in my first year of varsity, it was sort of love at first sight. He literally drove me crazy, he was in his final year and honestly I had the biggest crush on him. Cool, eventually we became friends, started hanging out and really got to know each other. We hung out even after he graduated. He used to come over to my apartment, was always there when I needed him. He was that guy! Through all of this, we never actually got into a relationship, we’d spoken about it but all I can remember was that things were complicated at the time, it just wouldn’t have worked out. For years this left both of us wondering what could have happened if we had both just went with it and got in a relationship at the time.

Fast forward to 2015, I had just gone through the WORST breakup. Like I said, this guy had always been that guy! Always there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on, when I needed to just relax and listen to good music, when I just needed to hang out and talk. Can’t remember (see I tried to block out all the details about this night so some are still blurry) I think I was a Wednesday or Thursday night when I had gone to sleep over by his house(I know, see I really loved him which is why I denied that he raped me). We got close and again, I loved this guy. Things got heated and the next moment we’re on the bed making out and I obviously had an idea where it was going. Part of me wanted to feel wanted especially after my ex made me feel like shit by cheating on me with multiple girls, so I think I wanted it. Until it started happening and I realized THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT! I asked him to stop and he ignored it, I asked again but this time attempting to push him off me but he wouldn’t budge. I asked him again and he started kissing me deeper and after the failed attempts I gave in 😔. I laid there, did nothing and made no sound. Just laid there waiting for this man to ‘finish’. To be honest, I think my mind blacked out because I literally can’t remember anything that happened thereafter. I can’t remember anything else about that night.

I haven’t really dealt with it. Like I said, a part of me assumed it’s nothing and because it wasn’t his intention to rape it, he therefore didn’t. I’m slowing realizing that regardless of how much I loved him, he raped it. I just needed to get this off my chest, I’ve been blaming myself for allowing myself to be in that situation to begin with but I’m working on it. Slowly.