Suicidal thoughts

For 3 years now it’s always around this winter holiday season where I’m the most depressed, my anxiety get super high too, I hate it because usually when things are going good my depression still keeps me from being happy. I constantly shut people out, my mood swings are the actual devil, and I always blame myself. I’ve been through so much the past 3 years, I’m a suicide survivor, but I still get my tendencies. I will never feel like I’m enough and that’s what kills me. I’ve always wanted to impress people, but it makes me more corrupt inside. It’s almost New Years and all I’m feeling is wanting to kill myself :’(