I am lesbian and I have the most amazing girlfriend ever, she is my heart and soul. I have been raped... more than once which is sad to say and makes me feel like i’m nothing sometimes, as if it’s me. As if i’m to blame for that....

I know I’m not to blame, my girlfriend assures me I’m not to blame but does anyone else just constantly feel like it was their fault like it could have been avoided if maybe I took a different route home or just simply stayed home for that matter. It’s hard to say what it is that I feel because I barely know what I feel. I know I’m hurt from it and it makes me cringe and weep thinking about it.

My girlfriend says it’s in the past and she will protect me forever, and I believe her. She has my back like a seatbelt.... honestly. Now even though I know it wont happen again with her around, it cant get out of my head...

I feel like shit because when we have sex sometimes, its always amazing but occasionally I get these bad flashbacks and I feel as if i’m punishing her for something that she didn’t do. She always comforts me and lets me cry on her shoulder but its like... why put this on her, she did nothing wrong. In the same breath she doesn’t mind but then it just makes me feel more like shit because I feel like Im putting it on her.

I know she doesn’t mind, she always assures me of that. It is just so hard to forget it at times, even though it was a while ago. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to forget it. I’m sure it will live with me forever. It’s not that I feel bad for her because she doesn’t mind it’s that I feel bad for myself. Then I wonder is it even okay to feel bad for myself??

I was raped by a girl, by 5 guys at once and all under 15 at that... No thats not uncommon but it happened again when I was 17, Im 18 now and its never gone away. I just wonder how could that happen so many times, what was I doing wrong? I am so genuine and sweet, no I’d never give my body away but how come it happened so many times.

Thats when I start to blame myself thinking of the multiple occurrences. I can’t keep this stuff in my head, its rarely there anymore I block it out most of the time but when It hits me. It hits me hard, the visuals of the times it happened to me....

It is just hard to even speak about. Rarely do they come into my head as I said, I block them out but when they do I feel so bad for my girlfriend and she loves me through it. She always has, its just a big shock to me sometimes as if I forgot those things happened to me. Basically this is just a post because I needed some sort of rant and to let my feelings out in a way that my name is still unknown because Im sure other people who have been through this might feel like I do, as if i’m a whore or an “easy target”...

Which that in itself constantly goes through my mind and I don’t feel good enough sometimes even though I know I am... its just a constant battle against myself but why put it on my girlfriend by always complaining about it when she did nothing....

Its a hard battle in itself, maybe others on here will share something about how they feel or if they’ve gone through the same feelings so Im not alone but of course its hard when you can’t comment anonymously....