Hi All,

I haven’t said anything to people yet, but I need to tell somebody. I should be 6w4d today and have my first OB appointment tomorrow morning (I’ve changed the reason for the appointment from first prenatal to miscarriage confirmation).

Yesterday morning, I noticed a bit of blood (light pink) on my toilet paper when I wiped. This went on until about 3 pm, when the bleeding became heavier, like a menstrual period. I wore a pad and started to freak out, as I knew that wasn’t normal. My husband was a great comfort to me and offered to take me to the ER, but I knew there was nothing they could do, other than charge an arm and a leg to confirm what we were already pretty sure was happening.

I went to lie down around 8:30 and after writing in my journal for a little while, decided to go to the bathroom one last time before turning off the light. When I went to the bathroom, I bled into the toilet, and, as I was about to wipe, I felt something “solid” (I can’t think of any other word to describe it) come out of my vagina. It definitely wasn’t a clot, because although they’re pretty big, I don’t ever feel them come out, other than a feeling like a rush of liquid. Anyway, the solid thing was tiny, no bigger than half a dime, but because it had a little weight to it, it fell to the back of the toilet out of reach. I think that was my baby.

At this point, though I want nothing more than to have a baby, I am preparing for the worst. This entire pregnancy (well, the 2.5 weeks we’ve known about it), I’ve been terrified, along with joyful. My last pregnancy (also my first) ended in a miscarriage, which we found out on 10/9/17 about at 17w5d. My worst fear was that I’d get pregnant again and have to say goodbye far too early.

So, here we are. I feel emotionally exhausted. Though I feel like sobbing, tears only fall when I’m in bed or hugging my husband. My heart hurts, but I think this immense sadness is coming off as apathy or irritability. I’m not mad at anyone but myself, because I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can’t keep a baby healthy. And the apathy is only regarding myself as well. I am depressed and while I’m not suicidal by any means, I just don’t care about my life.

Okay, that’s all. I just wanted to get something out there because I need to tell someone and I don’t want to tell any of my family or close friends until the miscarriage is confirmed.

Thank you for listening xoxo