I'm kind of a hippie so I knew I wanted to have a water birth unmedicated and thought my best chance for a successful VBAC was at a birth center.

everything was progressing easily and normally. I was in the tub and pushing at 9cm. then they couldnt get her heart rate (it was intermittently monitored) so they called an ambulance. I was rushed to the nearest hospital about 4 min away. they put me under for an emergency section.

when I woke up they wheeled me into my room and I saw my mother in law holding her and I thought oh thank God she made it. no, she was holding my dead daughter. it was absolutely soul crushing. I am still broken about it. worst day of my life.

there was nothing ever wrong with her. they think the cord got pinched stopping the oxygen and now I have to live with the idea I could have saved her if I wasn't such a stubborn hippie.