This will be my second d&c; assuming I measure within 12w tomorrow but I’m once again terrified. If the baby is too big I’ll need a 2-day d&e; instead. A little different from miscarrying this time for other reasons too. A new dr, who outsources these procedures to clinics 30-50 miles away rather than performing herself in a local hospital. And my baby’s heart is still beating, but she doesn’t have a brain.

I’m terrified there will be pro life protesters outside like a movie when we get there and I’ll feel the need to justify our decision. I’m running through similar scenarios for the medical team I’ve never met, because they NEED to know how much I wanted my baby and how important it is that I get another chance. And that I’m almost 37 and carrying to term means I wouldn’t even be able to try again for another full year. And by then the odds are even worse.

I worry that giving up on this pregnancy means I don’t deserve another. That I won’t get another chance.

God, if you’re listening please help me get through tomorrow and recover to have a healthy pregnancy someday.

UPDATE-I am waiting for my procedure after doing blood work and sonogram and am told that the procedure scheduled 2 days ago will not be covered by my Cigna Open Access Plus insurance even though the provider is in network.

They don’t cover “elective terminations”, which I really don’t think this is. Regardless of whether it’s medically necessary or elective it should be a covered procedure. The same procedure was covered by the same insurance company last year after my miscarriage.

I’m so angry right now I can’t even process my grief. I’ll be spending my recovery fighting this. I consulted with 4 different doctors before trusting this diagnosis and ALL 4 said the fetus is incompatible with life and has NO brain tissue and is missing most of its skull. If it survived to term I would need a c section to keep from crushing the head in delivery. Prognosis with a C section would be hours to days if not stillborn. At that point my body could not support another pregnancy for at least 6 months assuming no complications.

The insurance company should just pay and stop prolonging the agony of pregnant women. The decision is between me, my husband, doctors and God.

AUpdated again- I was on baby aspirin to prevent miscarriage due to clotting and stopped a few days ago when the diagnosis was confirmed. After hours of counseling and blood tests they asked about medications and it seems I can’t even have the procedure today. By Tuesday it will probably need to be a d&e.; I hate my doctors for putting me through this shit.