Im having a hard time coping with my Lois and fear is creeping in. I’ll give a bit of background so you can understand where I’m coming from. I’m engaged to a wonderful man that I’ve been with for 6yrs. I have always been told that I wasn’t going to be able to conceive on my own and that I would have to go thru treatments to even have a chance and when I first told my now fiancé when we started dating all he had for me was support and a lot of love. So when we found out we were pregnant it was the happiest day of our lives. We spent 2 months without even realizing it because I wasn’t really showing any symptoms whatsoever. When we confirmed it and got to hear and see our little baby’s heartbeat was like a true miracle happening in front of our eyes. Fast forward to week 13 everything was still good with the baby but I was still on pelvic rest because I had been spotting all thru the pregnancy. We announced our pregnancy and everyone was just so happy it was beautiful. I had an ultrasound scheduled for 2 weeks later and since I was going to be 15 was and a few days we were hoping to see the gender of our baby. The appointment came and that’s when our world came crushing down. Our baby had died and my heart just shattered. I was scheduled for a D&C; the next day but I was conflicted because I didn’t want my baby to be teared up in pieces. I cried and prayed all night. When the morning came and I had to get ready for surgery I couldn’t stop crying in the shower and that’s when I felt it, I sneezed and I felt my baby crowning, I scream and placed my hand under me because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to hold baby in and I didn’t want the baby to fall on the floor. It only took a good cry with a small cough and baby was out in my hand. My mom and fiancé grabbed a small bag to placed her in but the placenta wouldn’t come out so I had to pull to try and get it out but the umbilical cord broke and the placenta stayed inside. We left to the hospital and while I was being prepped for surgery I had a chance to spend a minute with my baby before they would take her away for testing. At first I was hesitant to look at her but the mom in me had to see her and say good bye. She was perfect, all 10 fingers and toes, perfect little mouth, nose and eyes. I just couldn’t understand why this was happening. I requested her remains to be released back to me once they were done testing because she needed to be named and have a proper burial and not just be discarded like waste. Btw I know she was female because the dr examined here that day plus genetic testing was done to corroborate. I haven’t been able to really tell this story to anyone except for now and I think is because writing it is easier that telling it. It’s going to be exactly a month since it happened tomorrow and I still haven’t stopped bleeding, I still haven’t been able to go back to work (mostly because I hate the idea of seeing all the people that was so happy for me look at me with sadness and pitty). I feel guilty even though the first thing everyone says to me is that is not my fault. I feel like maybe it happened because I was going to be a horrible mother. And I’m super scared of trying again only to either not get pregnant at all or get pregnant and Lois it all over again. Most days I can hide my feelings pretty well because I only interact with my fiancé and we have both cried enough but I’m afraid I’ll break down once I go back to work and see myself forced to interact with people that knew I was pregnant and now I’m not. I have no one that had happened thru the same thing so I truly feel alone and that I will look weak to people that don’t understand.

If you read all this I appreciate it and I apologize for the long story. I just needed to let it out somehow and writing it seemed like a good place to start. Thanks for reading