Okay. Before we get started, I'd rather not give out my age. I hope you can respect that. I'm not saying my name either. Also, this story may be long. Sorry.

So, I broke up with my boyfriend on the 26th of December, last year (2017), our 2 year anniversary would have been the 1/1/18. Anyway, the reason I broke up with him was because I could not for the life of me get him out of my head. I was losing sleep it was that bad. I'm not talking about the "ahh, he's so amazing" kind of thing, it was like the "how could he do this to me?" type of thing.

We started dating the 1st of January, 2016. We were so happy. By our 6th month of dating, he had cheated on me multiple times. But, I loved him too much to leave. Mind you, by then we had started doing sexual stuff, and he was my first... everything. I couldn't just give that up.

By the time we had been dating for a year, we had been through so much. I loved him so much, and even though he had hurt me, I believed he loved me too.

Skip a few months in, it's now March of 2017. We had been doing sexual stuff (not really, just making out) and I told him I didn't want to have sex that day. He said okay, but asked if he.. if he could rub his dick along my entrance/clit. I was hesitant, but said "okay." As soon as I finished talking, he proceeded to put his dick inside of me, and had sex with me for at least a maximum of 1 and a 1/2 minute(s). The whole time I was trying to get off of him (I was sitting on his lap) but he continued until I finally got off. Soon after, he fell asleep and I was sitting next to him crying.

For the remaining time of our relationship, it was... not pleasant. We would fight every other day.

(NOTE; this is important for the next part cause I will be talking about me being asleep. I'm a weird sleeper. I can feel everything that's going on around/to me, but I'm too deep in sleep to wake up. I'm basically trapped in my own head until my body is fully awake.)

So... sometimes when I was asleep, I felt him touching me. I would feel him grab and suck on my boobs, and play with my clit, or even suck/lick it. I know that some people like their partners "waking" them up like that, but after what happened in March (which he didnt even remember happening apparently) I told him I wanted absolutely no sexual stuff unless I say "yes" or any other form of consent before he starts. I could feel everything he was doing, but I my body was so asleep, that all I could do was move the tiniest bit, which he apparently took as "she wants more". Mind you, this wasn't a one time thing, this happened, a lot.

Ever since then, I haven't been able to sleep properly, because my mind became so used to it, that it associated sleep with... whatever he was doing. I wake up in the middle of the night crying because he had fucking hurt me to the point where I couldn't even go to sleep, or want to be alone with him.

He didn't know about any of this, apparently though. When I broke up with him because I couldn't take it anymore, I brought it up, and he said he had no idea he had done any of it, and that he was "so sorry, I wouldnt wish that on even my worst enemy".

I honestly don't know what to do.