For people who lost someone while young
I had someone dear to my die from cancer when I was 14.
I had never experienced losing anyone and didn't know how to process it and didn't know to cope.
I think I coped by acting out a bit. But I didn't have a grieving process and wondered what was wrong with me. I hid in my closet at night trying to like.. tell myself over and over that she was actually dead and gone so I could cry and grieve.
Nothing happened and I thought I was like a sociopath or something because I didn't break down and cry like everyone else did. She took her last breathe and I felt relief. Not in a "finally she's gone" but "thank god she doesn't have to suffer anymore"
So as everyone sobbed that sound of grief, all i felt was like I could breathe.
I felt it was cruel to let her suffer. Cruel to watch. It was a crushing feeling and it lasted for days and on day 4 I was walking around like a zombie, not going anywhere near her after she went into a coma. I really did just shut down. My mom actually took me to a counselor because she felt I wasn't grieving properly and the lady told her that everyone grieves differently and that the way I respond is just how I do it.
But I wasn't even doing it. It was like my brain had a grief lock on it.
As an adult now, I am going through grief. I understand a lot of things better. I just don't know if grieving NOW is normal or not.
8 years later after losing someone. It's just now like... I can think about it without flinching. Idk. I think I may know why now though. I think I see death and dying differently just naturally I guess and I didn't see it as this horrible thing that was happening. it wasn't like that to me.
Our entire family was with her, taking such good care of her and all of us were right beside her as she passed. She didn't go alone.
She wasn't in pain or alone. She opened her eyes and the look on her face as she died was actually a grin.
I don't know if she saw us or god or something. But it didn't hurt to see that. The pain in the room was thick but I didn't feel that. The hardest part for me, of it was watching the suffering. I didn't understand that, and I compared myself to those literally falling to their knees beside me and thought something was very, very wrong with me.
The grief I am feeling now is that she's gone forever, that's just now residing in my mind.I'll never see her again. She'll never get to meet my children or know my husband. That hurts.