October 31 I went In for a D&C.; We had been trying a year before finding out we were pregnant in August. I was 9dpo when I took the test and couldn’t believe it. When I lost the baby I couldn’t believe it even more. I had sold my old car because i felt it was not safe, and bought a new Mercedes with a great drive and rating and started making baby decisions. Losing the baby i was upset because i was ready. My mate was gone the whole month i miscarried but luckily i was in the same city as him when we found out, i had a friend come with me for my surgery and took care of me.

That same week I mustered up the strength of whatever I had left in my and traveled to Europe for three days. I always wanted to see Switzerland so I locked myself away in the mountains of Lauterbrunen. I took a train from Zurich airport two hours into the mountains and cried the first day and then the next day I went out to see what I was missing. It was life. I had saved some of my bucket list travels to share with our child but that all just felt far away. But it was the only way I could heal. I then headed to Chile a week after and had wine. I went to Portland Oregon the week after that to feel a little bit of Pacific Northwest. I just felt absolutely capable of all things. But incapable of such a natural thing!

Tomorrow I’m due for a period and I’m just already wondering how unhappy that will feel when it arrives in the morning or afternoon. I made sure I was off to baby dance last month but I missed one day and thats the day my opk had an equal positive. The day before we did it, and the next day I said well I’m not ovulating yet so I’ll go back to work, that morning I got a negative opk and by 3 that afternoon I felt wet and go fuck! I knew that I would be positive on the opk and popped positive. I flew to where he was but didn’t get in till midnight and the next morning 6am we did it, and then double tapped two days later. So here I am awaiting a period and my guy leaves again for a month and right after work next weekend I’m going to Portugal for another denial pregnant. I know I sound crazy! But it’s the only way I can cope. I feel like the gym and eating my life away doesn’t help.

How are we made to give life but then realize life sometimes is hard to give! You want one thing and it seems like it’s the most impossible. I’m no where near 3-7 years of trying with no luck but my god my hands are raised for the women who endure it and the couples.

Should any ladies test tomorrow who are due I’d love to test with you. Obviously if I am by some grace of god I won’t be traveling. But if I am not I guess I’ll be documenting Lisbon and it’s smaller parts half crying.

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