Need to get this off my chest...
I’m doing this anon just because I’m about to talk about some heavy stuff and I don’t want people knowing who this is. Some of you may have an idea, most of you probably will not.
I was in love with a man who abused me. Mentally and physically. Nobody knows. He was schizophrenic, bipolar, suffered from paranoia, depression, anxiety, you name it. He constantly thought I was cheating on his. He didn’t trust me for shit. I never cheated on him. It got so bad, that one night his mind wouldn’t stop trying to tell him I had cheated that he took his gun out and held it to my head and choked me. I was terrified I was going to lose my life. I really saw it flash before my eyes thinking “so this is how it ends”.. I screamed and screamed but he told me to shut up or else he’d shoot so I did my best to calm him down and he eventually did. I remember for like a week after that the left side of my head was bruised and hurt to the touch. But I stayed with him for some reason.
I was pregnant with his child when this happened and in some crazy way I did truly love him and I was hoping I could save him from himself. He held his gun to my two more times after that. Each time i thought me and the life growing inside of me were going to be murdered by someone who “loved us”.
I could tell he hated himself for what he did to me and I WAS STILL THERE FOR HIM. He was so sick. I should’ve left.. but I feared my life. He ended up taking his own life. It was so hard on me, but if I’m being completely honest it was one of the best things he could’ve done for me and my son. It was a way out and if he was still here I have no idea how things would be and I don’t know if I’d want to know. So many other things happens I could practically write a book but this is the jist of it.
I wanted a family but I would do anything to protect my child and if that means being a single mama, then so be it. I don’t mind it.
I guess I have a question.. how am I EVER supposed to trust a man ever again if I do wanna date eventually? I’m thinking I’m just going to be single forever lol. I gave my everything to someone and he betrayed me. How do I get over that??