Note: I have no desire or ideas to kill myself. I’m just depressed and need to rant a little...

In the last week alone, I’ve relapsed into three things. First, it was smoking. I hadn’t smoked in two years. Then, anorexia. I hadn’t starved myself in about four years. Then, yesterday, I cut myself. Haven’t done that in about four or five years. I’m so depressed, I don’t want to ever get out of bed. I didn’t even force myself to today, I just stayed in bed and slept and cried all day.

Last week, my husband was going through my phone. He suddenly came across a dick pic that wasn’t his, and pictures of me naked. I understand why he was upset, but the context and circumstances make it seem like I’m cheating... basically, a guy we used to talk to sent me a dick pic on kik. I have kik set so that it’ll save all pictures I receive automatically, since my friends and I exchange art and music often so I have that to make sure I save their art and my own so I never have to scroll back to try to find something. At this point, my husband and I haven’t had sex in about six months. I’ve been massively depressed and just too sad to even try to have sex. I can’t get in the mood no matter what I do, I’ve even seen my doctor several times about it. The week before I got this dick pic, I tried taking sexy photos for my husband so I could try to be more sexual for him. I hated the pictures, I’ve gained 35 pounds since we got married so I looked fat and didn’t send him the photos. I hadn’t deleted them yet, so they were still on my phone. So, of course he’d think I was cheating on him. I explained the situation and he refused to believe me. He asked the guy who sent it to me, and he INSISTED he didn’t send me anything. Now, we don’t know this person as well as other people in our little community. Neither of us were particularly close to him. My husband kept siding with him, saying that he had no reason to lie. I was getting more and more upset and crying harder. He couldn’t wrap his head around the idea of a guy we barely speak to wanting to save his own ass because he hit on a guy’s wife. I unblocked the guy and started sending him messages, BEGGING him to stop lying to my husband. He lives in another CONTINENT, it’s not like my husband was going to go beat his ass or something. Finally, today, he told my husband the truth. I’ve been so broken, I can’t stop hearing all the horrible things my husband said to me, including that he didn’t love me anymore... I don’t know what to do. He keeps apologising and holding me, but how am I supposed to EVER believe him when he says he loves me? Who knew a shitty misunderstanding would completely undo all the mental health progress I’ve made in the last several years...