My new partners children - am I being stupid?

Question

Hi guys,
I’m really struggling here so I need to get this out and get your opinion.
I have been with my partner for a while now and I have just started to be introduced to his children.
Now I had two miscarriages with my ex and found out the likelihood of having children of my own was very slim( of which was the main reason for our separation - we didn’t cope with the grief in the best ways). So I knew being introduced to a 5 and 2 year old was going to be challenging for me. Not to mention the fact the likelihood of him wanting a family with me and trying other options for a family, seems very very slim and I’m still trying to come to terms with that.
Today was my first full day with them and I felt I was doing really well, they instantly wanted cuddles with me and we took them to the park and we went swimming, of which the 2 year old swam with armbands on her own for the first time - which in a strange way also made me proud!!
Now we all got home and I’m very particular at how tidy my house is. I knew that having children over, I was going to need to let this go and I was doing well until dinner. My dining table (that I did put a protector on luckily) was filthy and so were the chairs - they cost me a fortune.
I wasnt angry at all with the children, they can’t really help it but I was more frustrated with myself that this bothered me so much, this tiny thing. If my pregnancy was successful before, I would’ve had to deal with this every day?! So why has this bothered me?! Then since then I’ve just been teary and wanted to be alone. It’s also very weird seeing him be ‘daddy’. Mainly due to the fact I always pictured my family being all mine. But I changed this perception of my future - for him and I will do anything for him and them kids. It’s never really been an issue for me other than my own worries and doubts. Every time I see him with them is so lovely but at the same time it reminds me of what he had with someone else - something we may never have. But maybe that will go with time - I don’t know.
Just made me question my capability and if I would’ve been good enough to be a mother myself if this small little thing bothered me so much.
Has anyone else been this sensitive with other children if cant have any of their own? I feel so pathetic and stupid for even questioning myself.

Answer

Honey, you would have made a great mother, the patience you are exercising with someone else’s kids is commendable. What I think is happening, is that you haven’t had a chance to get used to “kiddy mess.” This is your first time really dealing with it, and in a capacity where you’re a mother figure; cut yourself some slack please. You’re doing a great job. ♥️

Answer

Hey, what you're going through is totally understandable. I've cried over bread when I've been having an emotional day, being upset over something that normally bothers you doesn't sound so strange. You're experiencing lots of things that are going to trigger your emotions, that's not weird at all. I'd suggest talking over it all with a therapist, there's lots for you to work through regarding children and it'll probably be an issue no matter who you're dating. It'll probably get easier the longer you're around them, but it'll still be emotional giving everything you've been going through. Maybe you could just do an hour in the park, or have dinner at his place? Start little, then work your way up. You did so well going the whole day, be proud! Your feelings are valid, let yourself feel them

Answer

I'm a mother of two... And the mess still bothers me 😅 except eventually you just accept it. But seriously though meeting your partners children is a big deal and very emotional anyway with out the miscarriages, its ok to be emotional and its ok that they make mess and it frustrates you. it frustrates me when my kids make mess so i dont know how I'd cope with other people's.

Answer

Also Hun just to point out, this room is for debates and controversial topics, so heads up admin might move this thread there. 
The support network you’ll get will be bigger in some of the other rooms, and you will also find a lot of people in the same position as you who can give you great advice. I’m hoping you like the advice I gave you, (cut yourself some slack) but just be mindful in future. Good luck xo

Answer

Children can be frustrating.  Coming from someone who generally loves kids, is a teacher, and has my own baby, it still drives me bonkers when toddlers or kids from friends or family visit.  Acknowledge that being frustrated at the mess isn’t being frustrated at them.  It’s out of your comfort zone and that’s ok.  When they start coming over regularly perhaps you can help them implement practices that help make things tidier. Make it a learning / bonding experience.  Kids are messy but a bit of anticipation and planning helps a lot.  
As for seeing your SO be daddy, i don’t have much advice there but my best friend is in a similar situation.  Are their moms in the picture? It makes a difference if you are the primary female caregiver or supporting role. I bet it’s hard letting going the idea that his family won’t be your “first” but since their still so little I’m sure over time youllbgrow to feel very much like they are yours too.  
Best of luck❤️

Answer

hey don't worry, I've cried multiple times cus I was cooking pasta and found out there was no cheese in the fridge...

Answer

I have no personal experience with this situation, but I think it's a little different when you start with them as babies, as opposed to full blown mess machines lol! Baby messes start as mostly spit up and poop on clothes and blankets, then they work you up to messy high chairs, then mess on table/chairs/whole dang house. It says nothing about your ability as a mother, you probably would have grown into the mess/cleanup routine with a baby instead of having it hit all at once with his kiddos. And i fully believe that you will grow into it over time with these ones. 
That said, my 3yo son doesn't get a chair because we were given light colored upholstered dining chairs and I'll be darned if I'm gonna let him rub a pizza/spaghetti/barbecue/etc face and hands all over those lol! He hates sitting still anyway, so now i just let him stand. It keeps the chair clean and he can move as much as he wants :)

Answer

Google The Smart Stepfamily. Your feelings are valid. What you choose from here is up to you. You will see the children through a lens of responsibility. Their parents see them through a lens of love. Relationships with stepchildren take 2-7 years to develop under patience and persistence. It is no easy task. If it doesn’t evolve, it may never. Their father chose you, not them. Neither parties are under any obligation to love each other, but you must develop mutual/reciprocal respect. Whether it’s my own kids or my step messiness drives me nuts. Don’t be too hard on yourself or them.

My new partners children - am I being stupid?

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