Lots of swearing, sorry 😕

I don’t even know where to begin. I feel like my childhood was flipped upside down. At the beginning of last year my Dad started to become this completely different person. Not warm and caring anymore, it felt like he was just a roommate. I barely saw him and when I did we didn’t talk and at night he’d go to bed earlier and earlier. Well as time went on, it was about March or April that the signs were pretty obvious. He even mentioned this bitch at work he knew, and I even fucking met her. I offered to bring her some essential oils to support herself through an anxiety attack and became a customer of mine.

Before shit blew up I already felt like I didn’t know my Dad anymore... one day we went to my grams for dinner and she was pissed with him and told him he needed to be there for his family, his daughter. His response? I don’t remember it word for word but he said he just can’t be cause he’s too busy with work.... ouch.

Mom was having health issues and I’ve been dealing with chronic health issues for several years now which is part of the reason I live at home is to be able to afford the doctor I found. Well, one afternoon Mom was having such horrible chest pains that I took her to the emergency room and they took her back immediately. She told me not to call dad and not bug him but, hello? That’s your husband, he’s supposed to be here and needs to know in case it’s serious. I immediately regretted calling him, when I told him what was going on he said “Shit, are you kidding me,” groaned and said he just got home and needs to change for his next job and he’d be there. He seemed like he didn’t give a fuck, like his wife wasn’t laying in a hospital bed in front of him. I know my mom can be a little bit of a hypochondriac and her body doesn’t handle stress well but it doesn’t make it any less serious.

The worst part... Dad kept texting someone, right next to me, plain as day... I look down and see him texting this whore to “enjoy your show babe ❤️,” and “happy early birthday baby.” So I hop on Facebook and see when this bitches birthday is.... JUNE 27!!! My mother’s? JUNE FUCKING 9th and he never does anything extra special for her, but he told this woman happy early birthday while my own mother is in a hospital bed in front of him......????? It took every fiber of my being not to explode... and I didn’t say a word.

Mom knew though, especially since he went to go pick this grown ass woman up one night after she got shit faced. One night my Dad disappeared into his room and Mom got on the computer and I knew... I knew shit was about to hit the fan. She looked at his text records. Something like 10,000 texts to this number.... holy shit. So that night I took my mom to my grams house. Dad was gone the next day for work, got himself a hotel.... and when he kept being a shit head and didn’t make an effort to apologize or anything... I packed his shit. I fucking packed my own fathers shit. I found fucking lube in one of his drawers. I was disgusted.

Since my father left, in August I think....? I don’t remember exactly. He’s a completely different person from what I see and hear. I know I only hear “moms side,” to all of this and also her friends and her family but it’s all the same from her best friend and my gram... two people I trust wholeheartedly. That my Dad could be a real asshole and did a lot of shitty things throughout the years. I’ve never been told specifics and haven’t asked because it’s not my business. One thing I know, that I figured out myself is that my Dad ruined my relationship with my mom, not solely on his own but he didn’t help. He threw Mom under the bus constantly and always made himself look like the good guy. I feel so robbed of my teenage relationship with my mom.... and I hurt for my brother and mom because their relationship suffered the most.... they went through some serious shit, and now I’m seeing that my Dad most likely had a hand in it... and I don’t think my brother has come to realize that one bit. He’s ten years older than me and has ten more years of shit he’s listened to.

I’ve had to set firmer boundaries with my mom though, that I can’t constantly be in the middle of listening to all that because I am her daughter not her therapist and as shitty as he’s been that is my Dad. She’s never necessarily said anything bad, just told me things he’s said and that they’ve discussed and Ive reiterated I don’t need to know. I’m here to be supportive but I can’t be the one she talks to about all this. I know she can’t be exaggerating all that much because he’s even been mean to me. Was rude to me when I told him I would not be the go between with questions for Mom now that they’re getting divorced and I had to set my boundaries. He fucking cancelled my insurance without a heads up even though he knows I’m seeing that new doctor. He’s getting new insurance but who the fuck knows what he’s doing or when it’ll kick in... all he had to say was “so sorry about that. I don’t know those things, we need to communicate better, and you need to keep me more updated. I try but can’t get anything out of you.” Like IM SORRY but what the fuck am I supposed to want to say to the man I caught cheating on my own mother and am realizing he’s not the person I thought he was?! Excuse me for not being ready to be your buddy again. He acts like things are fine and has said to Mom “oh I talk to the kids all the time and they’re okay with all this.” Fuckin bullshit. He rarely texts me.

Anyway..... I just am so.... I don’t even know. Angry. I’m so fucking angry. I was a daddy’s girl.... my Dad was one of my best friends in Life. He sure wasn’t perfect but he was my Daddy.... and now he’s the man that I don’t even want him to walk me down the aisle anymore when I get married. I even told my boyfriend not to bother asking him for his blessing... just ask my brother. He’s a good enough man that he said he felt he should anyway but would respect my wishes.

I don’t know what to feel. And I feel horrible because I literally cannot handle another conversation of mom venting.... it makes me irritable and anxious. It’s getting better but I wish I were irritable at all... but it’s only when my mom brings it up. So that’s a whole other bucket of feelings and also trying to figure out a new relationship with Mom that isn’t influenced by a father wanting to be the favorite.

Honestly I don’t even know why I wrote this or am posting it. Venting I guess. I just never thought that my Dad would be the one to break my heart some day.... can’t even look him in the eye when we get together. Im going to write him a letter like my best friend suggested to explain my feelings, my boundaries, and where we stand. And with mom, work on keeping boundaries and praying for grace and for God to help me work through this anger. Although I’m actually kinda thankful for this newfound feisty-ness. It’s like a part of me has finally been set free and can stand up for itself. I just hope my mom can harness that bit of anger to power through the divorce and take her time to mourn afterward so she can just be done with him.

If you read this thanks for listening, I’m sorry for being long winded. I guess I needed to just put it out there.

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