I was 7w2d today. Yesterday I noticed some brown discharge but brown discharge was nothing to worry about in the first trimester I was told. I just knew something was wrong.

I woke up this morning to blood. A lot of it. We rushed to the ER but there was nothing we could do. I thought I had to use the restroom and they asked me to fill a specimen cup. And there it was. Our baby fell right into the cup. I knew that’s what it was. I pulled it out of the cup and help it in my hand. It wasn’t a regular clot. It was white and looked like tissue. There I was sitting in an emergency room bathroom holding what was left of the life we were so excited to have created.

No surprise to me, the doctor finally confirmed it. It was a “complete miscarriage.” Even thought they told me there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, I still feel responsible. All these questions running though my head. Did I lift something too heavy? Did I eat something wrong? Could I have stopped it if I went in yesterday? The Dr. said it looked like the pregnancy ended about a week ago and my body just responded to it today.

I can’t say I “feel” any different. Probably because I didn’t “feel” any different when I was pregnant. I didn’t have any morning sickness or anything, I mainly just had to pee a lot.

But I can say that our hearts are broken. We feel empty. Here we planned for our late August/early September baby and now that is gone. We have to wait 2 months to try again.

That’s the worst part. I finally let myself accept that I was pregnant. I finally let myself “feel” pregnant. I told a stranger yesterday before I saw the brown and it felt so good. Now that’s just gone. I’m not pregnant. I have an empty womb. I know this is more common than many people think but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Thank you for listening. And I am so sorry to everyone woman who has gone through this.