Not sure where to post this......I'm 7 weeks pp. I'm a SAHM, my husband is in the military. I know I'm lucky to be able to be a SAHM, and I love being able to take care of my daughter. But I feel like my husband doesn't realize how hard it is, especially since she's been crying so much lately. And when she's not crying, she's sleeping and it becomes SO boring. I try to clean up a bit and get things done while she sleeps, but sometimes I just wanna sit on the couch and relax without a screaming baby in my arms. I don't have any friends or family where we live, so I don't have anyone that can help or who I can hang out with.

Lately, I have not been feeling like myself, and I'm not sure if my husband even sees it.

I feel like am empty shell. I do the same shit over and over again like clockwork - make formula, change diapers, feed baby, wash bottles, repeat. It SUCKS. I feel like a fucking robot.

I'm gonna say the thing we aren't supposed to say.  I have honestly questioned if having a baby was the right decision. I constantly find myself wondering why the fuck we decided to do this to ourselves. I've wanted to die  *I do not want to kill myself, and would never hurt myself or anyone else.*  I've wished I could just give up and leave it all behind and have nobody to take care of but myself. Because, not only do I have to take care of this child, I have to take care of the housework, my attention starved dog, and the man-child I'm married to. It feels like too much sometimes. I barely have any time for myself. I haven't talked to anyone about these feelings/thoughts. Not even my husband. I've dealt with depression in the past and have been on Zoloft, but it made me feel awful and I hated my therapist, so I just weaned myself off the medication and stopped going to therapy and I was fine.

Now this next thing I have talked to my husband about...

My mind has been making me crazy and somehow has been trying to convince me that my husband is cheating on me. I know that he never would and that I'm being irrational, but i constantly find myself being suspicious of EVERYTHING he does. Every time he gets a text I wonder who it is. When he's on his phone, I try to peak at what hes doing, who hes talking to, is he swiping left and right. Like it is literally insane. I keep making myself upset and angry at him. But even after assuring me he would never cheat (which I already know he wouldn't), I still keep thinking these things.

I don't know if I have PPD or if I'm just being dramatic/seeking attention. Like...I don't know if I've just become so good at hiding depression from others, that I'm able to just hide it from myself too? Is that even a thing? I don't know what to do. I don't know how to talk to my husband about it. I don't even know why I'm still ranting....I guess I'm looking for validation/input?