So, lately work has been very stressful. I've also been going through some self-awareness that is taking a toll on my self-esteem. However,a lot of my anxiety regarding my job was alleviated when I realized I was not the only one feeling apprehensive and under too much scrutinized. Then I realized even my boss feels the pressure from this particular coworker who is taken it upon herself to run the office for him (that's a long story on its own).

The reason why I feel so bad is because part of my anxiety I think stems from the fact that we are having a hard time TTC. TTC is consuming my thoughts a lot of the time and I try to focus on my job, but as I said already, because of my self esteem I am sometimes slow to react appropriately and I don't realize it until after the fact. Today marks the second time since Christmas in which I almost caused a catastrophe at work because I was too scared to act in the moment or talked myself out of doing certain something when I should have and then I was left feeling more anxiety as I tried to scramble to correct the issue. Both of the instances required me to go to my boss (who also happens to be my broker as I am a real estate agent) for advice. And I feel like and idiot because even the way he reacted today while he was helpful he gave me a look that said "OMG what the hell did you do, why didntyou say something?"

I am trying to keep a level head and think that part of my issues (at least for today) for feeling like utter garbage is probably the side effects of the Clomid playing with my emotions since I was emotional over the weekend too. But instances like this make me wonder if it's really worth the stress. That I am such a crummy and bad excuse of a real estate agent and that maybe I should hang my towel and come to accept the fact that I wasn't cut out for this. I feel like it just means I am wasting everyone's time and causing my boss and the firm to be put in questionable or bad positions.

I know my boss and a lot of people still consider me as "learning" the ropes and trying to catch myself, but I feel like my learning curve is just taking longer than it should considering I have been licensed now for two years. 😑

Sometimes I wonder if a child truly deserves me as their mother, I can't even do a simple enough job properly.