Running into my Rapist.

Today, I went to the hospital to visit my newborn cousin. I was so excited to see her and meet her! I followed nurses directions leading me to her room. I knocked on the door, and my biological dad, my rapist, opens the door. I screamed and cried in the hospital halls. I started having flashbacks, I was 4 years old, innocent. Me, barely verbal at the time, (i was mute) could not say anything, could not say no. All I did was scream and cry for help. This continued till I was 7 years old. I was told that this was “normal” and that this is how we were shown love. I’m now schizophrenic, and i have episodes constantly of what i refer to as “the accident”, when i don’t want people to know what’s going on.

Today. I saw my dad for the first time in 8 years. I started having an episode. I fell into a seizure and was rushed into the ER myself. My whole life i’ve tried to move on. Tried to forget. But nothing works. The second I see his face again, my body fails to do it’s job. I collapse, inable to breathe. I thought I was doing better. But seeing him holding my baby cousin in his arms like he was a gentle creature made me stomach turn and my brain whirl knowing what he is capable of. I don’t even know what to do anymore.