need to let it out

Okay I never though that there was anything worse than TTC and AF always showing up like an unwanted monthly subscription. Well I was WRONG !!! on Dec 26 I found out I was 5 week pregnant OMG I had never been so excited before!! ( I was 18 when I had my 1st and I had no I dea what a misscarige was I though that if i was pregnant well the baby was mine ! no one or nothing could ever take it away) so I had my 1st no problem well on early 2016 I had my 1st misscarige then I think I had another one late June well on Dec 26 when I got the pregnancy confirmation I though we finally got a sticky one that if I had made it this far nothing could go wrong now ! Well on Jan 6 I had Lite bleeding the Dr said okay don't panic it's implantation bleeding it's very common well it's now Friday Jan 12 and the bleeding won't stop so I call my Dr she says its no longer normal to head to the ER so I do im there for almost 6 hrs they had an ultrasound and blood work done well they say I'm deff pregnant but no sight of a baby ( my heart fucking sung ) so they had me come back on sunday so I could have the exact same test done to make sure my HCG leves were doubling well Sunday comes and here I am again.. well results are back and my HCG leves have actually dropped not to much butt they drop from 2,200 to 1,700 so my Dr says that it's all good it's Just a "rocky" start but that the pregnancy will pick up and be good! to keep getting blood work every 2 days with my midwife just to keep a close eye ( as long as my baby is good I don't mind getting blood work done every day for the full 9 months if I need too ) well it's now tue and it's blood work time again I'm calm maybe cause I know they won't get the results back till wed... well it's now wed and we are waiting for the call well around 12 my phone rings and our hearts drop this test will tell us if the HCG leves have gone up at all and if it's a successful pregnancy or a no go well we answer only to find out that the leves have dropped to 400 and that " sorry that it was an unssecsesful pregnancy but that misscariges are very normal" the fact that they are normal don't make them any less painful. I feel like such a failure I'm so thankful that My 1st baby is a healthy 3yr old but I still have that empty spot that only a baby can fill and I fill like giving up on life!