We found out yesterday that we are expecting another boy. I had a blood test in week 9 that said it was a boy so I was prepared for the news...or so I thought. It took me weeks to get over the blood test results so I thought I’d worked everything out, but now I think I’m falling into a state of depression and I’m wondering if I can get over this or if I need to seek out professional help.

I had postpartum depression after my first son was delivered. I cried at least once every day for almost 3 months. The last thing I want is to go into this birth with feelings of depression and end up having PPD again, only worse this time.

All of my life I’ve only ever seen myself as a girl mom. In my head I would raise beautiful, strong, confident young women (everything I wished that I’d have been growing up). I had visions of being their comforter in times of need and sharing an unbelievably close friendship with them.

Having a son already, I know that I’ll never be able to connect to a boy on the same level as a girl and it’s killing me. I’m having to bury a daughter that I never even got to meet and it’s making me so sick to my stomach.

EVERYONE knows how badly I want a girl so they’ve all been telling me it’s a girl, even my husband who knew the results of the blood test. I don’t even want to face them all and tell them it’s a boy because I don’t want their pity, nor do I want their empty filler lines of “how great brothers are” or “how happy my husband must be”. MY FEELINGS MATTER TOO! By playing it down they’re telling me that how I feel is unimportant and it only serves to make me feel worse than the POS I already feel like for resenting a baby that had no say in this.

I am not at all excited for this baby and haven’t been since we found out at week 9 that it’s a boy. I don’t want to shop for clothes or nursery items, I don’t want to pick a name, I just want time to stop so that I never have to admit to failing.

I really don’t know why I wrote this other than to sort out my feelings of inadequacy so if you stuck in there up to this point, thank you.

When are you in your 6th month?

The Top Baby Tracker App: Embrace New Beginnings with Tender Care

The Top Fertility Tracker App: Your Path to Achieving Pregnancy

The Top Pregnancy App: Nurturing Your Journey to Motherhood

The Top Period Tracker for Empowering Your Menstrual Health Journey