It’s taken me nearly 3 weeks to be able to download this app again. Just after announcing my pregnancy to everyone I lost my baby. First pregnancy. I’m doing ok it’s just so damn horrible. I thought I’d share with you what I shared with my family and friends...

I don’t even know where to start... I guess I’ll start with on the 5th November ‘17 my pregnancy test was positive. It was a bit of a shock as I only came off contraception 2 months prior. I thought about how lucky I was. That we conceived so quickly. It was always a dream of mine to be a Mummy. However being pregnant was a whole new experience that I don’t believe I was prepared for however, I threw myself into it. I took all the pregnancy meds and even came off long-term anti-depressants. We gave the baby a nickname of baby “Tiggs” as we decided we didn’t want to know the gender. I became ready to carry, give birth to and raise a child. I couldn’t wait to share our news with the world.

So at 12 weeks we did. Thinking we were out of the danger zone.

The scan was scheduled for 4 days later. But I’d had this weird feeling something wasn’t right. I prayed so hard i wasn’t right. But on the morning of the scan I started bleeding and having cramps. Nothing severe but still. Getting to the hospital was hell with awful traffic and no parking spaces. We were late so waited and waited. When the lovely lady put the thingy on my belly I immediately saw that things weren’t right. Baby was far too small and she confirmed there was no heartbeat. Worst moment of my life. Baby had died at 8 weeks but my body hadn’t realised until 12 weeks. I’d spent those weeks looking at my app saying that baby would be hiccuping and start to look like a real baby, but this baby hadn’t ever reached that stage. The hospital tried their best to organise surgery for me that day however in the end they couldn’t. I will forever be thankful for the way I was treated by all the staff. But instead I had to go through it myself. The next day I went through insane pain with no sign of completing the miscarriage. By about 9pm I’d had enough. So we rang 111 and ended up at A&E.; They gave my morphine and I was admitted to a ward to manage pain and sleep until consultants could see me in the morning. They said I could have special pills to bring it on. I agreed so for the rest of the day I went through something like early stages of labour. However I knew at the end I would not have my baby. Instead Tiggs was taken away to be tested to make sure I was ok.

I know that there is nothing we could have done differently. I know that this baby didn’t have everything they needed in their chromosomes etc to be able to live outside the womb. So yes it does make it a little easier but, we will always grieve the loss of potential. That Tiggs won’t fill the baby clothes we bought for them. But one day a baby will fill those clothes.

Mum and Nanna both had the same picture. Of our baby Tiggs who is in our Grandads hands next to Jesus. We love you and know you’re in the best place.

Both Connor and I have decided to get tattoos of remembrance. So when I’m better we will organise this. Connor also found us a new home so will be moving within the month. Us losing Tiggs will not be in vein. I will make myself a better person inside and out even more ready for future babies. These were the worst days of my life, but I am stronger for them.

Why did I share this online? So many of you have asked how you can help or what happened. Now you know and it’s part of a process for me. Please treat as me, Ellie as I’m still the same. Just a bit stronger.

“I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” - Philippians 4:13

I went and got a tattoo done before I went back to work. Will always remember my baby ❤️