The want

After finding out a little less than a year ago that I lost my first child to a blighted Ovum, here I sit. Now while I fully understand my loss is far different than many other women’s, it is a loss that still frightened me to my core. All the questions flooded in after almost 6 months of healing. “Will I ever enjoy my next positive or will I be too scared to get excited?”, “Will I be scared shitless my entire pregnancy of what COULD go wrong?”, “Will I ever view getting pregnant like anyone else ever again?”. While that loss lead my fiancé and I to be careful for almost an entire year until we were finally ready emotionally to start our family yet again here I sit. I sit and look at this negative pregnancy test the day before my period. I think about how this was only our first month trying for our family and I was so let down, more than I could admit. I feel shame and selfishness towards myself because women, many of may who be reading this, are going or have gone through worse. But I still sit here and cry for that baby we want so badly to be here in my arms or in my womb. I sit in my bathroom with my 2nd (soon to be 4th) glass of wine. Looking at all the opk’s and pregnancy tests. I hope for not only myself but for all the women that have lost and tried and tried some more that we get our want, our love, our family. I hope that soon our “here I sit” is with the most beautifully positive pregnancy test we could all hope for.