I saw my OBGYN yesterday for the first time for this pregnancy. I was feeling ok, my fiancé was with me, we had talked about going and getting food afterwards so I was excited about that. As we were sitting in the waiting room I was filling out papers and I did mark down that I’ve experienced depression, mostly just REALLY bad anxiety. This month alone I’ve had 2 major anxiety attacks. I’ve never had anxiety attacks so close together before in my life. Usually I get one maybe every once in a blue moon.

They checked my vitals, I did a urine sample, etc. But when I got called back to the ultrasound room my OB sat down and and mentioned that my blood pressure was really high, but also noticed that I was perfectly fine during my first 2 pregnancies. She asked me if I’ve had high blood pressure before in the past at all while I wasn’t pregnant. I’ve never had high blood pressure in my life that I know of. Every time I’ve been to any doctor my blood pressure is always normal.

Then she started asking me questions to try to figure out what might be causing the high blood pressure. One of the questions she asked was if I experience anxiety, so I told her yes, of course. But when she asked me if I have thoughts of suicide I told her no. I do though. I have those thoughts often actually. The only thing I feel that keeps me from going through with it is the thought of my 2 kids not having me, their mother there for them.

I started crying when I finally got alone yesterday because I was thinking about how I lied. I lie to people every single day when they ask me if I’m ok. I tell them that I’m fine and nothing is wrong. When I have anxiety attacks I have them when I’m alone. If I’m in public and I feel one coming on I do everything possible to stay calm and collected until I get alone, but by then it’s built up so much that they become uncontrollable and I end up in physical pain when I have them alone. My body tenses up, there’s a knot in my stomach so hard I fall to the floor and curl up, my head pounds with pressure and confusion, I feel as if there’s a weight on my chest or someone is sitting on it and I can’t breath, I cry uncontrollably, and sometimes I even scream and I can’t control my voice. I almost had a wreck going home last night due to one. I had to pull over and use coping skills, but this time they didn’t help one bit.

I don’t feel there’s anyone that can help me. I feel alone in this and I know you read stuff and see videos about depression and anxiety where they tell you that you aren’t alone, but I can’t convince myself that I’m not alone. No matter what I do everything feels hopeless when it comes to asking for help. I’m afraid to talk to my fiancé because I don’t want to scare him off or hurt his feelings with some of the things I have to say. Because I know a few of the things that is causing my anxiety. One of them has to do with him. I have tried many times in the past to talk to him about this issue. But when we do talk I feel attacked.

I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m so afraid that one day those thoughts of suicide won’t be just thoughts anymore.

Regret

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