**TriggerWarning: abusive father**

I want to start with apologizing, I'm sure this will be long. Second, I'm not sure where to begin, please bare with me. I'm twenty one, I've been married for almost a year to my twenty four year old husband. There was a brief time we had our own rental house but we had to move out to afford a wedding. Besides the rental house we've lived with my parents the duration of our relationship. I know how that sounds, like selfish kids who want to avoid paying for our own place. For as far back as I can remember my father has been emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive to me. It's really taken a toll on me. The worst part is unless you live within these house walls you wouldn't believe it. I can't tell you how many times people have told me how lucky i am to have such a great father, it kills me each time I hear it. I was home schooled and my parents used to be youth pastors, I've been constantly with them all my life. The things he's said to me just stay on a constant loop in my head, "you're a whore. No decent man will want you because you didn't save yourself for marriage. If you get pregnant I'm taking the baby away from you, you'd be an unfit mother. How do you think those cuts on your arms reflect on me and your mother? I would divorce your mom just so I didn't have to be around you. If I had let you stay with a guy like that all you'd have been is trash, you would've had to beg your little brother for money cause you'd amount to nothing. Your therapist doesn't actually care about you, she's only your friend because we pay her. If you'd loose weight you could find a husband, you need to become "attractive" if you want to be noticed. I'll pay you to loose weight. Anytime I was sick.. Oh suck it up buttercup. Are you really going to eat that? Ugh, that hair color does not compliment you." Those are just a few of the things he's said to me, while I was around the ages of 13-17. Once Garret, my now husband, started hanging around at the house my father wouldn't talk that way, until Garret wasn't around. The worst part is I feel so guilty for saying all this. My mom isn't much like my dad, but there's moments where she's also cruel. She one told me when I was 14 that she wished I'd just run away. They'd tell me to get a job, I'd try to get a job then they'd say, "you don't have what it takes. The world's to dangerous for you." Anytime my mom and I would fight my father would always tell me, "you'll regret treating her that way when she's dead." mind you I only fought like a normal teenager. Some yelling and crying, never once did words like "I hate you" pass my lips. They were very controlling of who my friends were. I wasn't allowed to talk with certain people, even though I was 14/16 years old. Mother went through my diaries, my text messages, everything. I wasn't allowed privacy. "this is my house." minus the few hidden boyfriends, who I didn't even have sex with, I was a good kid. If I was even a minute late for my 9:00pm curfew (at age 16/17) all hell would break loose. To the point I was physically sick driving home. They would take my car away, my father and mother would spend an hour or so yelling at me. "we have to treat you this way because you're a special child."

I just can't take it anymore. I feel like I need to rip my flesh off, I feel trapped with no air. Garret and I stay in our small bedroom, with our two dogs, avoid him and the tension he causes. I am currently unable to work due to my mental illnesses, it's just Garret income we have to live off. Which I feel so incredibly guilty for. My father's told me many of times, "that's not your money it's garret's. It's unfair for Garret to have to work while you don't have a job." For the first few years my parents were married my mom worked and my dad stayed home. My parents got married at 16 (mother) and 19 (father). Thats not relevant but I wanted to share that.

We want to move out but we have no options. My mother never let me do things for myself. Even at 21 she still goes to the Dr with me. Why? Because I have no idea a our my medical stuff, she's never let me handle it. I'm a type one diabetic, knowing my medical stuff is imperative. I was terrified of ordering my own food at restaurants until age 18, because she asked what we'd eat and order it, if I made a fuss dad would cause a fuss. It was easier and less stressful to just let her do it. The reason I share that is because I don't have a clue of how to do "adult things". We live in a small lake hill country area... There's not an abundance of rentals, and those available are incredibly pricey. My husband works as an unlicensed land surveyor, I dont know how willing another company would be to hire him due to him being unlicensed. Before when we've tried to move out my parents throw this huge fit, "you're making a mistake." "why are you rushing things??!" "You have no clue how hard things are in the real world." "why are you abandoning me?".

I dont really know why I shared all this, maybe I just needed someone to hear me, to understand. Anyway, if you made it the whole way through thanks for sticking with me. I hope you're having a great day. 💜