How do you tell some of your best friends that you couldn’t come to their Sweet 16 that because the thought of being around people makes you unable to breathe? How do you tell them that your mind is plagued by sducidal thoughts and all you wanted to do was curl up into a ball and die? How do you express that you feel as if something lodged in your throat when you think of going outside? I don’t know. But I’ll tell you what I did. I showed up and my feet were unable to get me out of the car, so I gave the presents to someone else and said which one was for which. Luckily my friends weren’t there yet so I just told them I threw up and I didn’t feel good. I lied. Again. I’ve been lying for years, saying stuff like “I have to go feed my animals” or “my mom won’t let me” because if I push my self and make myself hang around them all I can think about is suicide. And it’s not because of them, they are great. It’s because I can’t force myself to smile anymore. Or I feel as if I’m bringing the room down and I can’t be that person anymore. I won’t be that person anymore. I was getting better; I stopped pretending, I stopped lying. But next week my reason to live is going to be dead and my dad won’t let me have another one so what’s the point. What’s the point of waking up to a world that you don’t want to be in anymore.