I’ve been married a little over a year. While we were dating, my husband told me he only loved one person before me (they dated on and off for about four years) and that I’ve had more meaningful relationships than he has. He’s told me that he enjoyed their company but they all wanted more than he did and they all just kind of fizzled out slowly.

Anyway, I’ve struggled a bit processing his past. It seems like he dated a lot of people and he always seemed so humble when we dated but I guess I’m uncomfortable to think of my husband as having “been around” as much as it seems. He’s talked about Spring Break in Cancun and I know he’s either met people on trips or gone with them.

He has been less than honest about how many girlfriends he’s traveled with (but I never confronted him about that) and recently when he was giving me a little more detail on his long relationship, we got into a fight. It started because he said that he dated a lot of “amazing” girls and basically if he had asked any of them to marry him, they would be married right now, but he was too caught up in his long term ex girlfriend. I’m sure it’s stupid but I have a total hang up (insecurity from my childhood through my adult relationships) on being second best, or a default option, or easily left. Like, I want that Notebook kind of certainty from my husband that regardless of how great anyone else may be, I’m the best for him. So even though he tells me this, hearing that al these “amazing” women were with him, and wanted to marry him, and that I just met him at the right time... it makes me feel like it’s less about me and more about the time in his life. Anyway, so I got upset, then he was upset that I was upset. He gets mean when he’s frustrated. So he says he doesn’t understand why I’m so bothered by the past and I should be focusing on the now with him. But then he says something about how I act like his ex was the sun. And then he names another ex GF, as if he needs to display that he cared deeply for someone else. I told him that he said he only loved one person and his response was (no joke) “but I also love cake.”

So now I feel like he lied about his past, or downplayed it. I tried talking to him and asking him more about it but he refuses to talk about his past because he feels like it doesn’t matter. I tried explaining that now it’s more about being misled and deceived for no reason. When he initially talked about his past early on in dating, I never got upset about it so there would’ve been no reason to lie about it.

He lied about watching porn (and I don’t even care if he does). He lied about looking up his ex on IG (also, don’t care because people get curious and I’ve done that).

I can’t let it go that he seems to lie about stupid things to avoid conflict but now my bond with him feels compromised. He’s an otherwise amazing husband, but I can’t get past his past or the lies. I want to trust him and not let the past haunt me. Please help! Am I caring too much about him misleading me about his past? How do you stop caring about all the people your husband was intimate with before you? Even thinking about them experiencing fun trips together kills me.

P.S. I go to counseling by myself. He won’t go.

Thank you in advance for any advice you have. I want to stay anonymous so I won’t respond personally, but appreciate you taking the time to give me your thoughts.

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