Does anyone else HATE soooo many things about themselves and know that they are insecure but cannot just change it like so many ppl suggest??? 😣

I am a very insecure female. I know I’m not hideous by society’s standards but I can’t help but to find and dwell on so many details that, to me, makes a woman like “gorgeous”!! I was bullied about my looks by family and kids in school for so long. Then I got to wear makeup at 13. I went all out everyday bc it finally made me feel pretty for once in my life! But then got picked on more by my family about all the makeup I wore and how bad I looked without it on in the mornings and at bedtime. Then there is the whole dirtbag first boyfriend that had a major wandering eye. The rest is history with how my view of myself AND men have developed negatively.. well I see posts and memes all the time about you just have to love yourself and not compare and yada yada, WELL I CANT! i have tried soooo hard but I feel like it’s who I am I can’t change if. I wish so much that either I can look exactly how I want or that I could be like shallow Hal and actually see myself as beautiful no matter what and not know. Does anyone else feel this way. Has anyone else that has felt this way conquered this???