January 6th was my due date. I am 4'11 and at 39 weeks my baby was measuring at 8 lbs. Dr. suggested to be induced by my due date because if I waited I would need to have a c section done because of me being so small and my baby measuring big. I agreed. My plan to labor naturally down the drain. My first failure. No water breaking at home. No walking around the house with contractions as I get ready to head to the hospital. No surprise. Friday January 5th 7:30 pm the start of the induction process. Saturday January 6th dilated to 3 cm. the day ended. No baby. 2nd failure. Sunday January 7th water broke at 1:30 am. 7 am no progress. 12pm 6cm dilated. 3 pm 8 cm. 3:30 pm epidural was given to "speed up" contractions since I was too tense to let my body react appropriately so the epidural would help contract more and get to where I needed to be. 3rd failure. 5 pm 9 cm dilated. 6 pm 9 cm dilated. 7 pm 9 cm. 8:30 no progress Dr. says if no progress by 9 then c section it is. 9 pm no progress. 4th failure. I am taken to the operation room. I had a long weekend I passed out in that room. I heard faint conversations and then I heard Him. His beautiful cry. I began to cry. And then I couldn't breathe. I thought I was going to die. 5th failure. They knocked me out again and woke up to the nurse placing my baby on my chest to breastfeed. I couldn't. I was too tired. no skin to skin after birth. 6th failure. I woke up again in the recovery room. Monday January 7th the nurse brought him to me. time to breastfeed. Nipple wasn't cooperating. he couldn't latch on. nurses tried every single time they came in. I thought he was eating but he wasn't. I couldn't feed my baby. 7th failure. My baby is almost a month old and I haven't been getting enough milk to feed him. My baby was born at 9:22 pm on January 7th. 8 lbs 14 oz. I Love my baby so much. I just feel like I failed in all my plans and I am failing him. I am not giving him the best of me so he could be healthy as can be. I cried for so long because of all this. I read stories like mine on here before this happened. I would even comment how I would think it's not a big deal the way the baby was born. if you carried that baby for 9 months and brought them into this world you are a strong momma but somehow my own words aren't helping me. I tried talking to my husband about this but I can't help but do it without crying and my therapy is writing my thoughts. I used to write In a journal but I feel like sharing my story here is going to be more helpful. just because it'll feel like someone is listening to me.

Here is my light at the end of the tunnel. I thank God for blessing me with him. I don't deserve him but yet I have the privilege to watch him grow. 💕