(This is my first post and I didn't know how to add a TMI tag??)

So me and my boyfriend tried anal last night... Never again. So what happened was early in our sexual life this jerk finds out that I actually don't mind a finger in the backdoor and that it sometimes turns me on even more. Let me say this that is a big fucking sometimes. Like probably 2/10 ratio there. Well of course he just swore up and down that I like it almost all the time and that I was being shy and continued to do it. Even when I told him stop because it was just uncomfortable. He was just too into it. Now I am one for some dirty talk during sex... so he likes to talk to me and I appreciate it. Well of course he starts mentioning putting it in the back during. And all of this is months before He starts poking and trying to stretch it so he'll fit. All the while I'm just here like this takes away from my experience now because I'm just getting this uncomfortable light pain so anything that was pleasurable is just being blocked. Anyway... one time like almost at the end of sex he "accidentally"slipped in my back door. OMG I cried like a fucking child and told him to stop and get out. It was painful and I went and took my pathetic feeling ass to the shower sat down and cried some more. Welp forgiveness and all that. I decided that fine I'd let him try it.. Y'know after I properly stretched it out over the course of a few months with butt plugs and lots of lube. So I actually bought a beginners plugg and some numbing lube. That numbing lube is fantastic because I didn't feel anything. Well... I couldn't find it after the one time I used it. I think it got thrown away with all the Christmas trash so $60 wasted. Anyway so to last night. Yknow he started a new job and we haven't seen each other all week really because he works days and I usually work nights so when I get home he's asleep. Well last night I got home early and got home before he did. So we had a few hours before we had to be in bed. He's in the national guard abd he had to gi this weekend. So this was my only time to see my baby before we had to work again. Welp yknow he actually likea cumming in me... but I'm not on birth control so even though I like it too, I tell him not to. Well he was talking about jist cumming in the backdoor. And I was like fine... if you can get the head in go ahead. So first I'm riding on top, FINALLY getting some dick after being dry all week. And the. he wants to switch and hit it from the back. Aight, cool... he gets that numbing lube lathers it on my ass and starts poking and pushing into my butt. It hurts and I was gonna cry. But I was just like I'll get through this I will at least try this once. Now I didn't expect him to push the whole thing in. I'm trying really hard not to cry but I am making little painful noises. And he just tries his best to be gentle. The entire time I just felt like something was gonna come out of me. I didn't even know which end it would be from. I'm just begging that this man cums and that it will end. Finally he cums. And I feel sick. I tried to go to the bathroom but nothing came out. My legs were numb and my insides felt all types of wrong. Welp morning after and... I don't know what to expect for the day. I'm supposed to go out to eat and have a movie with my friends, but I don't know if I need to wear a pad or what to expect for the rest of the day. Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with the after effects. Like the pain in my stomach or my legs. Or anything that make occur that I can try to avoid or accommodate for??I really needed to vent all of this but at the same time I do need help. I won't lie though... afterwards I just felt bad about myself that was it.