Just wanted to share a bit as I look back on the last crazy, wonderful, beautiful year of my life.

My husband and I have been together since we were 18. (11 years now) he’s the absolute love of my life in every way.

He supported me through college. We got married, bought a home and had a very fun social life. We went on several vacations throughout the year and we were genuinely happy with life.

We never wanted children. We were content and wanted to be “selfish” lol staying up late, doing what we wanted, having all our money to ourselves.

Then when he was 27 his dad died suddenly on December 2nd. That was the only time I have ever seen him cry. He went to work one morning (he typically left around 3:45 am) I was sleeping and a little while later he comes home, slips off his shoes and climbs back into bed with me and whispered “He’s gone.”

He had gotten the call on his way to work and turned around and came back home.

I thought he was having a nightmare and I was half asleep so I held him and rubbed his back telling him “shh, it’s ok it’s just a dream it’s not real.”

He cried into my shoulder and told me his dad had died.

23 days later on Christmas Day we were opening presents at my brother in laws house, kids running around having a great time. Everyone still missed their dad but they put on a brave face for Christmas.

My phone starts ringing.

It’s my mother.

We weren’t supposed to go to my family’s house until later in the afternoon that day so I was surprised to hear from her so early.

“Honey, something has happened. Please come to the hospital to say goodbye.”

I stood up and softly told my husband we had to leave now and walked to the car. I didn’t even say goodbye to my in laws.

He didn’t argue one bit and we drove to the hospital where the rest of my family was gathered around my grandmother on life support.

I was devastated. She and my grandfather were both active and healthy and enjoying retirement. I had just hugged her and spoken with her the day before and she was fine.

Apparently she had a reaction to a medication she took and that was it.

For the second time in one month I put on my black funeral dress.

4 months later my husband and I were eating dinner and watching Netflix. We were still sad of course but slowly getting back to normal.

His phone rings but he ignores it. He thinks it’s work and he wants to enjoy our evening together.

It keeps ringing.

On the 3rd call he answers it.

It’s one of his older brothers (he has 4).

His second oldest brother (only 35) is dead.

My husband puts down his plate and goes to our bedroom to talk and shuts the door.

My heart is in my chest.

He comes out to tell me it was a pulmonary embolism. Rare but deadly.

After this point in my life I start to feel different. My heart hurts all the time.

I’m scared that we are going to continue to lose important people in our lives. We argue and I cry myself to sleep a lot.

Some days I wake up and it hurts just as bad as the first time I heard the news or said goodbye.

I have dreams where I can’t remember if they are really gone or not.

I start forgetting their faces.

I lean on him a lot. He leans on me. We need each other.

I tell him that maybe I do want to have a child. He admits he does too. After all our despair we realize how much we love our family. Family is so important and we realize finally that we want and are ready to add to ours.

Luckily we get pregnant quick.

He wishes for blue but dreams of pink. I root for healthy and only 1!

Almost every night he dreams about our daughter. He sees her face, her bouncing curls. Her toothless smile.

So it’s no surprise when the ultrasound tech says “Congratulations it’s a girl!”

He tries to look sad but I see his smirk.

She came into this world loudly and large at the beginning of summer 2017.

He held her in his arms while the doctor finished sewing me up.

He couldn’t stop looking at this angel who he has been awaiting to meet.

9 months later and she still always wants daddy! He loves it. I love them both more than anything.

Now I looking back I see my old life and that makes me happy. I look at my new life and that makes me happy too. ❤️