How do we get back to there?


So when my husband and I got married our sexual experience levels varied greatly (me practically a virgin and him, well not) but it didn’t seem to be a problem. Fast forward 6 months and I get pregnant, he doesn’t want to touch me, we lost our son at 19w and he really doesn’t want to touch me. Miraculously we get pregnant again, he won’t touch me again (also on complete pelvic rest) I mean not even making out. Then a year or so of him being angry with me because of my mom (who was living with us at the time), very rarely wants sex. Then we move into super stressed because of work and odd hours, going months without sex. I always had to wait for him and follow his lead because I could not handle the CONSTANT rejection. Sex right now is only to get pregnant, excuses in between cycles. Sex is also barely a quick handjob before he slips in and done, if I’m lucky. So today he springs on me that he wants to figure this out and get back to having fun and while I’m jumping for joy I’m also terrified. The last five years have done a huge number on my self confidence. Feeling wanted and desired does wonders, but how do I get that feeling if he wants me to move first? He feels like I should watch porn (I’m not opposed to it) to learn what he wants? I’m so confused and hurt and I don’t know. He also bring this up on a “high” day, like we’re supposed to be having sex to try and get pregnant and now this. I feel like we’ve lost this cycle. Sorry, all over the place, I know. I just needed to get it out somewhere.