So, my fiancé and I have gone through a lot. We got together when I was 15. My family loved him because he was so respectful and made me happy. But, his family got progressively more abusive and it soured our relationship. So, just before I turned 17, I ended it for my health.

We spent a bit over a year apart and came back together. He grew up a lot and was able to admit and apologize for the way he treated me. He has shown that he has moved past what he went through and makes an effort not to take out his frustration with other people on me. This fall, after we had been engaged a while, he broke things off. It was a big mess, but ultimately is was a good thing because we were able to sort out our priorities and realize we both really do want the same things out of a relationship and our life. That combined with us still deeply loving each other led us to get back together. The good far outweighs the bad.

The problem is that he and my family are at major odds over everything. My parents basically lost it on me when I told them we were coming back together. My dad is going back and forth between, “I just want you to be happy” and “I can’t believe you’re choosing him over your family” (nice, dad). My mum just keeps saying she doesn’t understand after what he put me through. They have it in their head that he disrespected me (and therefore them too) and that, simultaneously: he wants me to support him all by myself once he gets out of the navy and goes to school, and then will want me to just completely drop everything and be a trophy wife.

My fiancé is frustrated because he feels they’re constantly trying to manipulate me and my emotions and decisions. He hates that I’m hurting because my parents are upset, but isn’t ready for us to work on our relationships with each other’s parents because he doesn’t want the interference.

The stupidity of this is: the actions that he took that upset my parents were his trying to show them that he could take care of me, despite not believing that burden should fall on a single person. (He’s very into equivalent effort-housework, financially , emotionally). He was trying so hard to make it seem like he could give me the world that my parents took it as him trying to control me and mold me into a person that I’m not. Their reaction to what they perceived to be happening is one of the biggest things that frustrates him.

Meanwhile, I’m stuck in the middle listening to everyone and all I want to do is to scream at them to stop telling me and just tell each other. I want to tell them to get over themselves because they all care about and love me so all that should matter is me, not their damn pride. My family makes me happy, and my fiancé is part of my family. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

How do I nicely tell everyone to fuck off and get over themselves? Because, I would really love for my mother to be the witness at my wedding. I try to show her why our relationship works, even if it’s gone through rough patches, and she just doesn’t want to hear it. It’s killing me. I can’t stand this mess. How do I clean it up? Or, get them to clean it up?