Before we were together, my partner volunteered to be a sub in a dominatrix class. He said he really got off on the public humiliation of it.

We get kinky once in a while, we use toys, bondage butt plugs, etc occasionally. We talked about me pegging him. We’ve had sex outdoors and he loves it. Not really my thing but I’ll agree after a few drinks. What I’m saying is that we experiment and we don’t just have vanilla sex.

He brought up on Sunday that the same dominatrix from before asked him if he would like to volunteer again for her class. At first I wasn’t so sure but I didn’t get upset. He told me that it was hit that I would even consider it.

He didn’t really give me ANY information. No timeline, nothing.

Next day he brings it up again because apparently needs an answer from me now since the class is Sunday (the day after his birthday) and he has to get back to them. I told him that I’m not ready to give him permission and I’m not totally comfortable with it and he still pushed me saying that he realllllly wants to do it.

He said “I’ll be so heated up and when I get home I’ll fuck your brains out”

OK but...

The thought of my bf crawling around in his underwear being ridiculed and spanked by strangers definitely is NOT a turn on for me. I’m not kink shaming, its just not my thing. In fact I haven’t wanted him to touch me since this conversation started. He goes to this dominatrix and I’ll just be sitting at home feeling like crap.

He has been very clear that he will only do it if I’m cool with it, and give him permission, but he keeps pushing it saying how much he wants to do it. How important it is for him. How it would be the best birthday present.

I feel like if he actually cared what I thought he would be respectful and stop pushing me.

I wish I was okay with this, I wish it was a turn on for me, but it’s not. And I feel guilty and lame for that. But I’m also pissed at the way he handled the whole situation.

I feel like I’m in a spot where I’m either depriving my partner of something that’s apparently super important to him (though it’s never come up in our 3 year relationship before) or I let him go and feel jealous and hurt and needy.

I asked if he wanted to role play and I could dominated him, but again, he said it was about being dominated in front of a group of female strangers. From what i know he has to worship women, kiss their feet, tell them they’re beautiful. Fuck that. Maybe if he treated me like that I wouldn’t care so much.

But it’s not even something I can be involved in!

I just don’t know what to do anymore. How can i accept my partners kinks if they turn me off? I feel so jealous and sad.

Sorry for the rant, I needed to vent.

**UPDATE**

I just want to let you all know that I’ve been reading every comment, I haven’t responded because i don’t want to make this part of my life public. I really appreciate what everyone is saying. Thank you for giving me your support!

He ended up not going on Sunday. I’m still incredibly hurt and sad about how he went about this. He’s apologized and he knows he dealt with it poorly but I’m still fixated on this being something that he wants bad enough to put our relationship at risk. And the fact he doesn’t seem to know me well enough to know that this is something I’m not comfortable with... and to try to convince me it’s not a big deal.

We’ve been talking A LOT but it’s still unresolved. Instead - many more issues have come up. His addiction to porn and masturbating. His disconnect between love and sex.... the fact that I’m not sexually satisfied. I’ve been with him 3 years and i still have to lead him to my clit. He RARELY initiates sex, which I’ve asked him to do for years. I could be laying next to him in lingerie and it wouldn’t make a difference. I’m feeling super frustrated. We haven’t had sex in over a week. The past two nights I haven’t even slept in the bed with him.

There’s a lot that I’m trying to unpack here. He said he’s finding a therapist. He’s been writing. He tried talking to a friend which didn’t go anywhere. He posted about it on reddit apparently.

Part of the issue is that he’s made it crystal clear that he wouldn’t care if I slept with someone else. He doesn’t feel jealousy at all apparently. He’s told me this from the beginning but I guess I thought after 3 years he would care more about me. Not that jealousy = love, but i think the fact he doesn’t care if I wanted to have sex with someone else makes me feel pretty expendable.

I’m feeling so dumb right now. I’ve invested a lot in our relationship and it’s hard to think about throwing it all away.

Thank you again for reading my post and taking the time to respond. I really appreciate all of you. ♥️