In the past six months I’ve lost two babies in early pregnancy (my first and only ones ever) one in an ectopic with tubal removal and second as a miscarriage and I’m so lost... I’m living in this bubble of smiling when around people, but feeling blank inside.

I don’t want to try for another baby for the fear of it all happening again, and I don’t know how to deal with this.

All the events have taken a great toll on the relationship between me and my husband, and the distance between us is fuelling my anxiety. Last night I had a panic attack just by trying to talk about how I’m feeling to him.

I try to explain him, but how could I, how can I explain how horrible the idea of getting newly pregnant feels when I think about going to the toilet each day multiple times and be afraid of blood, of every cramp; of waking up in the middle of the night and losing my baby without anything I can do to stop it. Of being horrified about the idea to go to the doctor to see if the baby is in the right place or will I be again transported to a hospital for an emergency operation. Or going to the doctor to hear the baby is gone. How can I explain how terrifying it is to disappoint our dreams again. Even if I could explain, how could he help? He would say let’s not try, it’s too much, and I only got tears.

We have always been close, but now I feel like my body and mind have betrayed me and I’ve betrayed my husband. I’m afraid never being able to give him the family we wanted and to ruin all that remains with my constant anxiety, apathy and sadness. And that he’ll eventually move on and have the family with someone who can give it to him. (I know how irrational my thoughts are but I can’t stopping them from taking over me constantly.)

I don’t want to be like this. I’m tired of feeling like this. But I don’t know what to do..

Sorry, just had to vent somewhere.. 😞