So I’ve been trying to figure out a way to explain how I’m feeling but in case anyone finds this offensive I am sincerely sorry. Obviously my viewpoint and opinion is just from my perspective and frustration, I don’t claim to know how anyone else is feeling or what they’ve experienced. I only know mine.

My husband and I have been TTC for 14 months and have tried every method in the book to make it happen. We’re currently waiting to get tested to see exactly what’s going since we were told we had to wait at least a year for them to allow us to get tested. It doesn’t help that we are on totally different schedules at work and have opposite days off so it’s difficult to BD when you don’t even see each other!

Currently, my mother in law is pregnant (she is a surrogate) which is absolutely incredible and honourable, but I can’t help but be jealous of her being pregnant, even though she’s not keeping the baby. Yeah, maybe that’s irrational but it’s true. And honestly, it’s really difficult to tell people that my mother in law is pregnant and I am not. My sister in law and her fiancé have a wonderful baby boy and my other sister in law is pregnant. All anyone talks about is babies and I have absolutely nothing to contribute to the conversation. My husband is the oldest sibling and only him, my sister in law with a child and my other sister in law that’s pregnant are adults (the rest of his siblings are much younger) so it feels like we are totally left out of the “adult” conversations because they are all about having kids. And my husband is the only one of the three siblings that is married, not that it matters to me but everyone always asks us why the ones that are engaged/dating have kids but the ones that are married and are the oldest don’t have kids. I feel isolated, frustrated and so extremely sad.

My best friend completely dismisses me when I talk about being depressed about TTC and tells me I’m not ready anyways because my husband and I live in my parents basement apartment. We have the income to afford our own apartment or possibly a townhouse but my mom and older sister require assistance that my husband and I help out with. Everyone just assumes that because we live there that we don’t pay rent (??) and “have it so easy”. We pay the same rent we’d pay in an apartment of that size, which has more than enough room for a child, and we help out with my family and the entire house. Our apartment is completely separated from the rest of the house with a separate entrance. I don’t understand how living there is any different than living in any other apartment!

We are more than ready and capable of having a child but of course month after month nothing happens. This is where the trigger warning comes in. I have no idea how to say this in an appropriate way but I wish we at least had some indication that sperm was meeting egg! Not that I would ever pray for a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage or ever wish that on anyone else but to be TTC for 14 months and not have anything at all happen is so frustrating! I’ve never had any indication of any line, just stark white space next to the control line and it’s making me crazy. I am so sorry if that sounds like I’m wishing for a pregnancy loss because obviously I’m not and I would never try to say that someone who’s experienced one has it “better” than me because they were pregnant at some point, but I wish I had some hint that I’m doing something right! I guess pregnancy is obviously an all or nothing thing though. No little notes of encouragement to tell you to keep doing what you’re doing and eventually you’ll be pregnant. No ridiculous loading screen that says, “Yep, you’re almost pregnant! Keep going!”

I’m sorry for my rant and if it’s extremely offensive then I am so so sorry. I don’t know how else to describe what I’m feeling. I guess I’ll just have to wait for our tests and see what our options are.